“Cognitive
dissonance” is a psychology term that refers to the situation when our
behavior and our beliefs differ—and we realize that. This creates an
inner conflict. To reconcile cognitive dissonance, you either have to
change your beliefs to match your behavior, or change your behavior to
match your beliefs.
How does cognitive dissonance relate to narcissistic abuse?
Imagine
that you are living with a Narcissist that you love, who you believe
loves you. Then your narcissistic partner abuses you. Now you are faced
with reconciling your beliefs that someone who says they love you and
who you love would never knowingly hurt you, and the fact that your
narcissistic lover is doing exactly that. This creates cognitive
dissonance in the abused partner.
Do narcissists feel cognitive dissonance when they abuse someone they claim to love?
Not in my experience. Narcissists will avoid having this type of inner conflict by a variety of different defensive strategies:
- Denial—I never said that.
- Blame—It is entirely your fault that this happened. I only did (fill in the blank with something awful) because you did (fill in the blank).
- Rewriting History—You started this fight, not me. And then you kept escalating it.
- Justification—I was just defending myself against your attack.
- Gaslighting—You are just imagining things.
Punchline: Most people who have been abused by the Narcissist in their life who claimed to love them, cannot reconcile that with their idea that love and abuse do not go together. As a result, they experience cognitive dissonance.
Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP
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