What is cognitive dissonance?

“Cognitive dissonance” is a psychology term that refers to the situation when our behavior and our beliefs differ—and we realize that. This creates an inner conflict. To reconcile cognitive dissonance, you either have to change your beliefs to match your behavior, or change your behavior to match your beliefs.
 

How does cognitive dissonance relate to narcissistic abuse?
 

Imagine that you are living with a Narcissist that you love, who you believe loves you. Then your narcissistic partner abuses you. Now you are faced with reconciling your beliefs that someone who says they love you and who you love would never knowingly hurt you, and the fact that your narcissistic lover is doing exactly that. This creates cognitive dissonance in the abused partner.
 

Do narcissists feel cognitive dissonance when they abuse someone they claim to love?
 

Not in my experience. Narcissists will avoid having this type of inner conflict by a variety of different defensive strategies:
 

• Denial—I never said that.
• Blame—It is entirely your fault that this happened. I only did (fill in the blank with something awful) because you did (fill in the blank).
• Rewriting History—You started this fight, not me. And then you kept escalating it.
• Justification—I was just defending myself against your attack.
• Gaslighting—You are just imagining things.

     
   Punchline: Most people who have been abused by the Narcissist in their life who claimed to love them, cannot reconcile that with their idea that love and abuse do not go together. As a result, they experience cognitive dissonance.
 
 

Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP