Telltale Signs of Narcissim

 1. Deeply repressed shame

Narcissists don't feel much guilt because they think they are always right, and they don't believe their behaviors really affect anyone else. But they harbor a lot of shame. Shame is the belief that there is something deeply and permanently wrong or bad about who you are. Buried in a deeply repressed part of the narcissist are all the insecurities, fears, and rejected traits that he is constantly on guard to hide from everyone, including himself. The narcissist is acutely ashamed of all these rejected thoughts and feelings. Keeping their vulnerabilities hidden is essential to the narcissist's pretend self-esteem or false self. Ultimately, however, this makes it impossible for them to be completely real and transparent.

2. An inability to be truly vulnerable

Because of their inability to understand feelings, their lack of empathy, and constant need for self-protection, narcissists can't truly love or connect emotionally with other people. They cannot look at the world from anyone else's perspective. They're essentially emotionally blind and alone. This makes them emotionally needy. When one relationship is no longer satisfying, they often overlap relationships or start a new one as soon as possible. They desperately want someone to feel their pain, to sympathize with them, and to make everything just as they want it to be. It's a form of codependency, except they have little ability to respond to your pain or fear or even your day-to-day need for care and sympathy.

3. Lack of boundaries

Many people lack boundaries or cross other people's boundaries regularly, but among narcissists, this is status-quo behavior. Narcissists can't accurately see where they end and you begin. They are a lot like 2-year-old. They believe that everything belongs to them, everyone thinks and feels the same as they do, and everyone wants the same things they do. They are shocked and highly insulted to be told no. If a narcissist wants something from you, he'll go to great lengths to figure out how to get it through persistence, cajoling, demanding, rejecting, or pouting. These are all common narcissist behaviors.

4. Perfectionism

You can spot a narcissist through their extremely high need for everything to be perfect. They believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect, events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out precisely as they envision it. This is an excruciatingly impossible demand, which results in the narcissist feeling dissatisfied and miserable much of the time. The demand for perfection leads the narcissist to complain and be constantly dissatisfied.

-Jonathan S Perkins