"You don't marry a man, you marry a lifestyle."

Who you marry has the largest impact not just on your emotional life, but also on your lifestyle.

Both the large and small things in your daily life and long term plans will be impacted by your significant other's likes, dislikes, habits, schedule, health, personality, moods, job stresses, financial security, family, and situation.

For instance, where will you live, and how clean will the house be? Who will be expected to clean up when it gets messy? What type of food will you eat, and who will cook it? How often will you go on vacations, and where will you go? What TV shows and movies will you watch, and how often? When the toothpaste or toilet paper runs out will your partner get more or expect you to run the errands?

How much sleep will you get? How many cars will you have, and will you lease or buy? Will you be in debt or have a large savings? How many children will you have and how will they be raised?

This decision on your lifestyle is only compounded once you have children. Will your partner chose to share in the child rearing, and what type of parent will they be? And expect you to be? Will your partner want you to stay home with the kids or work? Or let you make the decision? Will they expect you to make all the money or will they also share in the finances?

The only thing that changes your life, and your lifestyle more than your choice of life partner — is your choice to start a family with that partner.

Cornell University published a study with similar findings, and found that the most important elements of a successful marriage includes this knowledge of your partner and yourself:

Understanding what lies ahead for you and your partner is vital to charting a successful life together…But one of the most important types of knowledge, according to the survey, is an intimate understanding of the person you’ll be marrying. How they think, what they love and what they want from life can all be make-or-break issues for compatibility. That’s why it’s so important to know exactly who you’re marrying.

“Their strongest recommendation is to marry someone who is generally similar to you,” they explained elsewhere. “Marriage is difficult for anyone, but it’s much easier with someone who shares your interests, background and orientation.”

Ultimately, your partner’s values and expectations, both for themselves and for you, will make a bigger difference on your life and lifestyle than any other choice you make. Trust your gut, and marry someone who makes you feel better, and brings out the best in you. Choose someone who you enjoy being around, and who makes you a better person

Please hear me out on this. This is so important

I don’t see myself getting married anytime soon (if ever.) But I’ve experienced this first hand.

If you are a woman who is married, about to get married, or even dreams of getting married, please make sure you have an education or a means to make money.

I understand if you want to be a stay-at-home mom or not be the main source of income. Feminism is about giving you that choice, and if it’s what you truly want, have at it.

But please for the sake of your future-have a side business, or an education, or some form of a career you can jump into if need be.

So many marriages start out great and progress into something completely different.

Maybe the man you wouldn’t dream could hurt a fly has no trouble taking his anger out on you.

Maybe he cheats on you.

Or maybe after 20 years you two have grown so far apart you no longer see a future together.

This is where your education and career is important.

If you have no career or money prospects, you’re essentially betting your entire livelihood on one man.

I’ve seen women who stay in horrible, abusive situations and relationships, simply because they have no other option. They feel trapped and extremely unhappy…but it’s all they’ve got. They’re living out a nightmare.

And I want you to be able to leave a relationship if that’s what you need.

I don’t want you to feel trapped within your own life. Suffocated. I don’t want you to have to put up with anything less than what you are worth.

So please, Find a way to make money if need be.

And if your relationship is going well, you’re still not exempt from a similar horror. Maybe he becomes extremely ill and is unable to work or passes away. How are you going to provide for yourself and your family?

Life has many ways of falling apart. I want you to be prepared for a it.

So please, Find a way to make money!

This goes without mentioning the stress this puts the man under. Honestly I feel as though this is a huge reason why men have a shorter life-span. With the man being so pressed to make a living, he may continue in a job he despises, stay away from a career that has high earning potential because of the low starting income, or worse yet completely give up on his dreams in life. It has a cost for all within the family.

I wish money didn’t rule the world…but it truly does.

(Sorry for the depressing read, I just really think it’s something that needs to be said. And sometimes, the things we need to hear are not what we want to hear. But they are still important.)

It’s important not to completely ignore what others think of you.

But it’s just as important not to live your life trying to please everyone.

Society isn’t a single voice—it’s made up of countless people, each with their own opinions. No matter what you do or believe in, someone will always disagree or be upset.

There’s a powerful quote: “You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” I completely agree with this. But I’d also like to add another thought: “You have friends? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

Real relationships—friendship, love, or respect—come only when you stand for something. If you always try to fit in or avoid conflict, you may never connect with people on a deeper level.

In truth, love and hate often come from the same place. The people who are most admired are often the ones who are also criticized the most.

Trying to please everyone is not only impossible—it can cost you your peace and sense of self.

What matters more is knowing how much to please other and how much to stand up for yourself. Make your choices with that in mind.

The key is to find a balance between staying true to yourself and being considerate of others. That balance is what leads to a meaningful and fulfilling life.

Here are some things to consider every time you worry about what others might think:

I believe in what I'm going to call the disappointment imperative. I am completely ready and willing to disappoint anyone who wants something for me that I don't want for myself.

People think about you less than you think. They have the audacity to be too preoccupied with themselves to be concerned about you. (I mean, sheesh.)

Why do people talk about others? Because tearing someone else down is evidence that you are unhappy with a part of your own life. The happier you are, the less you will criticize someone else, and the more empathy you will feel for what they are going through.

What someone says about you when they are unhappy with themselves is more about them than it is about you. As such, it's not ever a good guide for how to live your life. Don't make decisions based on what others might think or say. It will steer you wrong every time.

The busier you are working on you, your life and your happiness, the less time you will have to talk about others. And even better, the less time you will have to show any concern for what others say about you.

Most of all, I am a deeply flawed person. I have a lot of work to do and as such I have no time to waste.

-Dushka Zapata

If a cab driver makes more money than an IT professional, why should I study?

Let me talk about kids and young people and what can damage them the most

1. Long term emotional neglect. If you are neglected by caregivers — not touched, not treasured, not seen and barely noticed, your heart will die a little every day. You will either decide you have no value or you will do whatever it takes to get the attention you crave. Both will lead to disaster.
2. Long term emotional abuse. It sounds crazy, but this may be less damaging than complete neglect. It’s bad, but at least you are real and alive and seen. Still, like the neglected child, you may grow up to be hateful, abusive yourself, or you may seek out abusive relationships because that’s all you know.
3. Substance abuse in children and teens. This is much worse than for adults, because kids are wired to develop psychologically at a fairly rapid pace. Being stoned or drunk or high interrupts the course of development. We don’t get a second chance at childhood or adolescence, even if some of the damage can be repaired later.
4. Traumatizing experiences without adequate support. Long, serious illnesses, major accidents, and big losses like a nasty divorce, can interrupt healthy development. High conflict divorce is a double whammy because kids are hurt by parental conflict, and parents may disappear into their own issues, making matters worse.
5. Being different. Kids who feel different because they are too fat, or too slow, or too clumsy, or sexually different can really suffer. Often they get only generic pep talks that minimize their pain and sense of exclusion. In our evolution, being a member of the tribe meant survival, so kids long for it. Exclusion for long periods can be seriously damaging.

-David McPhee

Your concerns are really criticisms of me, and I hate being criticized

 1 : Your concerns are really criticisms of me, and I hate being criticized.

I can criticize others, and often do—but if you criticize me you’re hurting my feelings, so I’ll hurt you back. If you say you are at all unhappy, that's a way of indirectly criticizing me. Since "it's all about me" your feelings must be about what I have been doing. If you are talking about your feelings, even if they were engendered by situations at work or with friends that have nothing to do with me, I interpret your negative feelings as criticism of me.

Narcissists paradoxically manifest both an inflated idea of their own importance and quickness to feel deflated by negative feedback. Criticism hurts—and because narcissists think everything is about them, they hear others’ attempts to talk about personal feelings as veiled criticisms of themselves.

The clinical term for taking others' concerns as personal criticism is personalizing. "I'm feeling lonely," gets heard by someone who is narcissistic as an accusation: "You don't spend enough time with me."

2 : I'm right. You're wrong. So when things go wrong between us, it’s always your fault.

I can’t be expected to apologize or to admit blame. I’m above others and above reproach. If you expect me to say how I’ve contributed to a problem, I’ll get mad at you.

Unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes may come from confusing the part with the whole, or all-or-nothing thinking. Narcissists think, "If I've done one thing that's not right, then I must be all bad"—which is why they're so resistant to admitting any wrong things at all. Whatever the source of the sensitivity to criticism and difficulty admitting mistakes, they have a tendency to blame others when anything goes wrong. Blaming and fault-finding in others feel safer to narcissists than looking to discover, learn, and grow from their own part in difficulties.

While narcissists are quick to blame, they may be slow to appreciate. Appreciation and gratitude require listening.

3 : I may be quick to anger—but when I get angry, it's because of you.

You made me mad. You didn’t listen to me. You criticized me. You’re trying to control me. Your view is wrong. So you need to apologize, not me. If I’m mad, it's because I'm frustrated by what you are doing. I'm only mad because of you.

Narcissists often show major charm and social agility. At the same time, these seemingly super-confident folks can be quick to anger. When they do become inflamed, they then immediately blame their anger on others.

-Jamie Knight

I love the quotes of Mark Twain

His quotes are humorous, bitter, but contain wisdom.

One of my favourite quotes is, “Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”

I have found his advice most liberating and truly worth following.

We often make our lives miserable our life is due to our hyperactive conscience.

I have seen people getting so much upset about what is happening in their nation and around the world. For example,

• Many people are upset that the Taliban has captured power in Afghanistan
• Many people are upset since a political leader that they hate is ruling their nation
• Many people are so unhappy because there are so much injustice and inequality in the world

We can find a million reasons to feel unhappy if we allow our conscience to be highly active because there are a billion wrong things happening in the world at every time.

We must rather ask ourselves:

• Are we responsible for all these problems?
• Are we willing to do something concrete to solve these problems?

If we are not going to do anything to solve these problems, there is no point worrying about these problems.

Instead, we must try to use our energy to solve those problems which are due to us, or which we are capable of solving and allow the other problems to be solved by the people who are actually facing them.

If we choose to carry the burden of the world on our shoulders, we might be crushed under its weight and make our life miserable, without being able to solve these problems.

Hence, it is better to allow your conscience to relax on all such issues which are beyond your zone of influence.

Mark Twain’s advice to have good friends and good books are also great.

When we have good friends, we can share our joys, sorrows and thoughts with them.

Good books help us navigate the world and understand the thoughts of the greatest minds of the world sitting in the comfort of our homes.

Good books are like good friends which can help us enjoy our life and also learn about life.

I find the advice of Mark Twain quite liberating and extremely helpful in leading a great life.

-Awdhesh Singh

Awareness

Does not cracking the IITJEE make me smaller than those who actually did it?

Does not cracking the IITJEE make me smaller than those who actually did it?

There are a lot of occasions in life where you can feel absolutely worthless.

1. You cracked JEE and joined the best IIT but got 5–6 CGPA.
2. You managed 9+ CGPA but didn’t get a high paying job.
3. You got a high paying job but the work is absolutely boring.
4. You got challenging work but the manager is a tyrant.
5. You got a great manager but the company is laying off.
6. You escaped the layoff but you are unable to find a partner.
7. You found a partner but they can’t stop comparing you with their ex.
8. You found a partner without ex but they don’t love you for what you are.
9. You found a loving partner but have a hard time conceiving.
10. You have a child but they are not healthy.
11. You have a healthy child but they won’t listen to you.
12. You have a lovely, obedient child but you get laid off.
13. You escaped layoff again but your child couldn’t crack JEE.

Life is a giant cycle of ups and downs. The lows teach you humility. The highs teach you thankfulness.

Can my future be brighter than those IITians?

My mother isn’t very educated. She has been a house wife throughout. She managed the limited household budget very well. She nurtured and took care of her children to the best of her abilities. She monitored them during their teenage. As a result, she produced 3 (three) IITians. I think she is more successful today than all 3 of us IITians put together.

Be THAT parent if you want to beat IITians. You will literally become the “mother/father of IITians” :-)

For now, love, respect and obey your parents who have been there for you all along. Their prayers and blessings can take you far far higher than what you and I can imagine.

-Imtiaz Mohammad

Changing the World

Lock in Brain

Love and Relationships

 Movies teach something very wrong on “Love and relationships “ especially Bollywood movies.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend . He was in a early stage relationship with a girl and then the girl changed her mind. My Friend has been deeply affected by this (some people are sensitive ). you can change the gender as well . There are so many such stories of our youth .

Our movies like Veer Zara , Kal Ho na Ho Or Aashiqui series or any romantic story you see they talk about Pure and unconditional love . Our youths follow movies religiously and yes, they have deep impact on our values while growing up .

I felt this has destroyed the lives of many .

Love unconditionally, but to those who deserve

Trust , but verify them

if someone wants to go, let them. If you hold back there will be many negative repulsions. Let them explore. It may happen that they may come back to you after failing . But let them try

When someone does not reciprocate , chill out . Be good friends. But expect nothing . Have a good life outside it . Remember nothing is worth your happiness

Do not be artificial, but be practical

There is nothing such as perfect person or perfect couple as people portrayed in social media. Love lies with in you . When your intention is clear, you will find it

Abinash Mishra , IAS , IIT KGP

The vast majority of abusers do not believe that they are being abusers. In fact, they oftentimes believe they are abuse victims, truly and sincerely.

 If you talk to therapists or counselors who work with abusers, the answer you get, over and over again, is "Abusers believe they are not abusing others". The vast majority of abusers do not believe that they are being abusers. In fact, they oftentimes believe they are abuse victims, truly and sincerely.

You can read a list of abusive behaviors to an abuser, but that almost never triggers a lightbulb. The abuser does not say "aha, I am being an abuser!" Instead, the abuser says "yes, I do that, but I do it because of this thing that she does to me. I am only protecting myself."

Abuse grows in soil where the abuser feels a combination of things, usually pain and entitlement to control.

Abusers are hurting. They are not healthy, happy people. They are suffering. Their suffering is real. It's often self-inflicted, but it's still genuine pain. They feel jealous or insecure. They feel that if they permit it their lover will leave them, or that their lover wants to be with someone else, or that they are in danger of being abandoned. It does not matter if these things are true or not. They feel true. If you're afraid of something that isn't actually dangerous, that doesn't make the fear you feel any less real.

But, and this is the dangerous part, they also believe, sincerely believe, that they are entitled to control their partner to relieve their pain. Lundy Bancroft, a therapist specializing in abuse who has worked with abusers for decades and written books about his experiences, says that abusers almost never change their abusive behavior (with intensive therapy, only about 3% of abusers change; without therapy, it's close to 0%) because abuse is, first and foremost, about attitude. An abuser feels justified in control. An abuser believes it is natural, right, and proper to control the victim.

If you look at relationship questions, you will see that lots and lots (and lots and lots and lots) of people truly, sincerely believe that it is okay to control your partner. As an example, look at any of the zillions of questions about "my girlfriend talks to other guys and that makes me feel bad, what should I do?" and you'll see many, many people say "tell her to stop talking to other guys! If she really cared about you, she would stop! If she loved you, she would not want you to feel bad, she would stop talking to other guys!"

This is a common social idea. Of course, abuse counselors and therapists will all tell you that trying to isolate someone else and control who they can and can not talk to is the #1 sign of abuse, yet people do it because they feel that doing it is their right. They truly believe "she is doing something wrong by making me feel this way; I have the right to stop her from hurting me by making her cut off contact with other guys." They believe not that they are being abusive, but that they are reacting to something their partner is doing that hurts them.

They do not realize that their partner talking to other guys is not what's hurting them; it's their own insecurity that causes the pain. They externalize responsibility for their own emotions: "She is hurting me by talking to other guys! I have the right to stop her from hurting me!" instead of "I feel insecure when she talks to other guys; my insecurity is hurting me."

I have found, when I've talked to abuse survivors and to people who do counseling for abusers, that it is absolutely common for abusers to accuse their victims of being abusers. So when you have two people both pointing their finger at each other and saying "they are abusive," how can you tell what is going on?

Look at which direction control goes in. Abuse is always, always about power and control.

The person who is trying to control their partner is the abuser.

So if you have two people, and one says "That person is abusing me by talking to other guys even though they know that talking to other guys hurts me, and they won't stop talking to other guys" and the other person says "That person is abusing me by trying to force me to stop talking to other guys," the abuser is the first one. They both feel hurt, neither one feels like an abuser, but the abuser is the first one. Abuse is about power and control.

Stop Fighting About.....

I recently found myself in combat, fighting with someone over something I thought I deserved.

I think I felt I needed to stand up for myself.

I put everything, everything on the line.

Mid-argument, feeling stressed, exhausted, sad, disappointed - it hit me that I did not truly want what I was fighting for.

What I was experiencing was a misguided battle for something that used to be important to me but no longer was.

A relic.

It was time to let it go.

I dropped the fight right in the middle of feeling all tangled up in it. I lay my weapons down. I said I was sorry and explained where I was coming from.

The stress diminished. The sadness. The disappointment. Gone.

I feel free.

I am going to stop fighting over anything I don’t actually want, and I wish the same for you. 

-Dushka Zapata

Kids and Young People