The vast majority of abusers do not believe that they are being abusers. In fact, they oftentimes believe they are abuse victims, truly and sincerely.

 If you talk to therapists or counselors who work with abusers, the answer you get, over and over again, is "Abusers believe they are not abusing others". The vast majority of abusers do not believe that they are being abusers. In fact, they oftentimes believe they are abuse victims, truly and sincerely.

You can read a list of abusive behaviors to an abuser, but that almost never triggers a lightbulb. The abuser does not say "aha, I am being an abuser!" Instead, the abuser says "yes, I do that, but I do it because of this thing that she does to me. I am only protecting myself."

Abuse grows in soil where the abuser feels a combination of things, usually pain and entitlement to control.

Abusers are hurting. They are not healthy, happy people. They are suffering. Their suffering is real. It's often self-inflicted, but it's still genuine pain. They feel jealous or insecure. They feel that if they permit it their lover will leave them, or that their lover wants to be with someone else, or that they are in danger of being abandoned. It does not matter if these things are true or not. They feel true. If you're afraid of something that isn't actually dangerous, that doesn't make the fear you feel any less real.

But, and this is the dangerous part, they also believe, sincerely believe, that they are entitled to control their partner to relieve their pain. Lundy Bancroft, a therapist specializing in abuse who has worked with abusers for decades and written books about his experiences, says that abusers almost never change their abusive behavior (with intensive therapy, only about 3% of abusers change; without therapy, it's close to 0%) because abuse is, first and foremost, about attitude. An abuser feels justified in control. An abuser believes it is natural, right, and proper to control the victim.

If you look at relationship questions, you will see that lots and lots (and lots and lots and lots) of people truly, sincerely believe that it is okay to control your partner. As an example, look at any of the zillions of questions about "my girlfriend talks to other guys and that makes me feel bad, what should I do?" and you'll see many, many people say "tell her to stop talking to other guys! If she really cared about you, she would stop! If she loved you, she would not want you to feel bad, she would stop talking to other guys!"

This is a common social idea. Of course, abuse counselors and therapists will all tell you that trying to isolate someone else and control who they can and can not talk to is the #1 sign of abuse, yet people do it because they feel that doing it is their right. They truly believe "she is doing something wrong by making me feel this way; I have the right to stop her from hurting me by making her cut off contact with other guys." They believe not that they are being abusive, but that they are reacting to something their partner is doing that hurts them.

They do not realize that their partner talking to other guys is not what's hurting them; it's their own insecurity that causes the pain. They externalize responsibility for their own emotions: "She is hurting me by talking to other guys! I have the right to stop her from hurting me!" instead of "I feel insecure when she talks to other guys; my insecurity is hurting me."

I have found, when I've talked to abuse survivors and to people who do counseling for abusers, that it is absolutely common for abusers to accuse their victims of being abusers. So when you have two people both pointing their finger at each other and saying "they are abusive," how can you tell what is going on?

Look at which direction control goes in. Abuse is always, always about power and control.

The person who is trying to control their partner is the abuser.

So if you have two people, and one says "That person is abusing me by talking to other guys even though they know that talking to other guys hurts me, and they won't stop talking to other guys" and the other person says "That person is abusing me by trying to force me to stop talking to other guys," the abuser is the first one. They both feel hurt, neither one feels like an abuser, but the abuser is the first one. Abuse is about power and control.