Red Flags

1. We are often the “fixers.” We want to fix the relationship after a fight. But that gets old really fast. After three or four fights, you will notice that you are only the one trying to fix it. Stop. Stop doing yourself a disservice. He doesn’t care. You deserve someone who will put in the same effort into the relationship as you do. Walk away.

1. Don’t use sex as a weapon. Sex will not keep a man. If you used sex to lure him to you, I bet you there is another woman who is better and can just as easily take him away from you. A relationship should be more than sex. If sex is your only leverage, then that relationship has a short lifespan.

1. You dictate when to have sex (in the beginning of the relationship.) If you feel pressured into having sex, before you are comfortable, then this is not a relationship worth pursuing. Your sole worth shouldn’t be sex. Don’t ever use sex as compensation for attention, time, or validation. It will go south really fast. Your self esteem will suffer.

1. If you constantly have to check his social media accounts to make sure he’s not cheating, then that relationship isn’t for you. You shouldn’t ever have to put yourself in a position to constantly doubt his faithfulness to you. If you don’t trust him, then you shouldn’t date him.

1. Be honest with your expectations. If you lie in the beginning, it will be much harder to bring up the longer you wait. If you know your boyfriend wants kids, but you refuse to have children, then you need to communicate that with him. Neither of you are wrong, you just want different things. You should give him the opportunity to be with someone who can give him what he wants, instead of denying it to him.

1. Don’t rush to make any major decisions. Don’t move in after knowing each other for a month, to “save money.” You two barely know each other. You have no idea if you two will be compatible enough to live with each other. Take your time to learn about your significant other, before you decide on longterm decisions.

1. What are your nonnegotiable(s)? If he has a child from a previous girlfriend, and is paying child support, how does that affect your relationship? Are you willing to include his child into your family? You need to understand what core values you have and stick by them. Don’t bend your values for anyone. It will breed resentment.

1. Are you in a relationship because you truly love him? Or are you lonely? This is a hard question to ask yourself. Chances are, the answer is the latter. Don’t stay in a relationship solely because you are lonely. The unhappiness attached to it, isn’t worth it.

1. His insecurities regarding you, isn’t your problem. If you are making more money than him, and it bothers him, you need to sit and evaluate the relationship. Is the constant fighting worth it? If your boyfriend tells you, that you need to find a lower paying job, hand over a portion of your check to him, or even quit all together, then you need to step away. You are an adult capable of your own decisions. He doesn’t dictate what you do.

1. Trips, social media postings, date nights are all fun and amazing. But what about the tough moments? Job loss, family deaths, weight gain. Do you both support each other during the tough times? If he isn’t available for you during the hard times, then it’s not a relationship worth keeping. Women need emotional and mental support. Why be in a relationship with someone, if you have to shoulder it all alone?

1. Take the time to learn about your significant other. Learn their habits, interests, pet peeves, goals, dreams, etc. Your significant other, should become your best friend. You should be able to share everything with him, without fear of abuse, judgment or shame. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells, then you won’t be happy in the relationship long term. Is it worth staying in a relationship if you are unhappy?

1. We are all entitled to the bare minimum in a relationship. Which is: love, compassion, empathy, respect, communication, patience, appreciation, honesty and loyalty. This is not a high standard for ANYONE. If your significant other isn’t able to meet these few criterias, then your relationship is not healthy. It will rot from the inside out then leave you battered and bruised. Save yourself the heartache and don’t settle for less than you deserve.

 -Waheda Islam, B.S. Criminal Justice & Writing