This mindset is not conducive to creating successful longterm relationships

Many men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder long for satisfying relationships, but lack the ability to have them. They can usually do the courtship phase quite well because it does not involve real intimacy. It is exciting and the goal is simple: Convince the woman to love you and forsake other men.
 

• Narcissistic Men Are Often Unrealistic about Women

If they think past the courtship at all, it is to have unrealistic fantasies that they have found the female equivalent of a unicorn—the rare precious woman who they will treasure always.

• She will be perfect.
• She will never annoy or bore him.
• She will always look great.
• She will continuously adore him.

Unfortunately, as women are real people and relationships never go perfectly smoothly, they do not get what they expect. Instead they find themselves in the awkward position of having sworn to love a woman when they do not even love themselves.
 

It does not matter what the woman does or how beautiful and interesting she is. Narcissistic men will create big fights out of small issues.
 

The Narcissistic mindset is not conducive to creating successful longterm relationships. When things do not go exactly their way and the woman does not fulfill their every fantasy, they do not know what to do except blame her:
 

I was misled by you! I am so disappointed! You need to try harder. This is all your fault!
 

At this point, they either coldly withdraw, berate her, or make unrealistic demands that she change to suit them. From this point on, the relationship usually goes rapidly downhill.

 

Why does the relationship fail?
 

Although the women who love Narcissists are not perfect themselves and make their share of relationship mistakes, most of the responsibility for the relationship’s failures are due to the Narcissistic man’s lack of ability and willingness to take his share of responsibility when things go wrong and make mutually beneficial compromises.
 

So is it your fault that your Narcissistic mate is devaluing you?
 

No, their dissatisfaction with you is the result of their unrealistic expectations and lack of relationship skills. They blame you because:
 

• They do not want to see their own flaws.
• They do not want to see the role they play in wrecking the relationship.
• They are perfectionists and are holding you to unreasonable standards.
• They are extremely self-centered.
• They do not want to give up anything they value for the sake of the relationship.
• They tell themselves that they picked the wrong woman and this would all go better with a different woman.
• They are not prepared for the hard work, negotiations, and compromise that are part of all successful relationships.

                           Punchline: Narcissists are extremely self-centered, hierarchical, lack emotional empathy, and have difficulty compromising and treating their mate as an equal. They entered the relationship with these deficits and it is highly unlikely that there is anything you can do to change them.

 

Elinor Greenberg, PhD,