Boundaries

Nobody is born knowing how to set boundaries.

As babies we depended on others to remain alive. Getting others to like us and approve of us is related to survival and runs contrary to learning how to assert our sovereignty.

As we get older, the absence of boundaries means bitterness, disrespect and resentment. It means the erasing of our outlines. We begin to disappear.

Clear boundaries mean clarity on where others end and I begin. They mean healthy relationships. Boundaries are how we love and stand up for ourselves but also how we give to others the best of us: the part that feels safe and happy rather than overextended.

Boundaries are a practice, not something you learn one time and then “get right”.

It’s normal for others to not like our boundaries, in particular when boundary setting changes the rules of the existing dynamic. For this reason we don’t just need to set them, but also defend them.

Some boundaries are set from the very beginning of a relationship (“if you are going to be late, please just let me know”) and some come up when something hurts us or makes us uncomfortable (“I understand you are angry but please don’t slam the door.”)

Many many times boundaries come up as we go, so we are always new at setting them. Nobody is a boundary expert. Everyone is fumbling along.

Here are a few examples of what boundaries might look like:

No.

You making a joke at my expense hurts my feelings.

It’s OK for us to disagree but you can’t force me to think like you do.

Your party sounds so fun! I am sorry I cannot make it.

I just broke up with my boyfriend and I’m not ready to talk about it.

Please don’t touch me like that.

If anything in a relationship makes you feel pushed, invaded, resentful, observe it. What do you need? What would make you feel more comfortable? Your answer is your boundary. It belongs to you, so you do not need to explain or justify it.

Finally, boundaries express your limits rather than control another. “I want you to stop seeing other people” is control, not a boundary. A boundary is “I am monogamous and not interested in an open relationship.”

-Dushka Zapata