This is what is known as a low blow. He doesn’t know how to fight well.
Fighting well is essential to the health of every relationship. It’s how you establish boundaries and determine that the dynamic is solid and real.
But, you have to fight fair. You don’t say “all” or “never” or “always”. You don’t dredge up past arguments. You are not intentionally hurtful. You argue over the issue, not the person. You are specific.
Other things I try hard to do:
Determine the source of the issue. Is it my expectation, or really your action?
I check myself: Is how I feel about this proportionate to what happened? If the infraction was not huge but I feel incensed I am usually not fighting over what I am really upset about.
I check my intent: If I want to hurt you or win the argument I retreat and fight on another day. If I can’t be kind, it’s not a good time.
I remind myself this is just a fight, not the end. If I feel like it’s the end, it clouds how I interpret everything.
I cannot change you. I need to be careful my words or my demands are not controlling.
I recognize when to fold them. No grudges. No holding on. In particular, letting go of things that don’t matter.
Finally, I pay attention. There are many ways to say I’m sorry: a gesture, an invitation, an attempt to hug or snuggle. I don’t need to resolve everything with a torrent of words.
-Dushka Zapata
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