Ooh - what a good question! If you get an answer, you will let me know yeah? I could really do with learning that….
<\sarcasm>
In all seriousness - I’m not really going to answer this question.
Why?
Everybody studies and learns in a different way.
Everybody finds that a certain method helps them more than it helps somebody else. Knowing how I study helps exactly one person: me.
There are 3 other physicists at Trinity (Oxford) in my year- and they all think my method of learning is over the top and needlessly time consuming. I personally don’t understand how they can learn and understand things without more mathematical rigour.
We’re all right - and we’re all wrong.
My methods work: for me.
Their individual methods work: for them.
So what would a reader gain from me going on an on about how I study - the complex spreadsheets that I use to keep track of my lecture notes or the way I structure my revision schedule?
You can tell how well revision is going from the fact I have a Netflix window open.
What would they learn from knowing that I go to bed every night at 1 in the morning, and get up at 8? What do they learn from knowing that I do every assignment with at least 1 day to spare?
Well - unless they were creepily obsessed with learning stuff about me - then they gain nothing which improves their own studying.
They learn how I, Jack Fraser, study.
It contains nothing about how you, dear reader, learn.
Learning how you learn is one of the most important pieces of information you can have about yourself.
If a reader read how I studied, and decided that was the “right” way, then they are crippling themselves in that lesson - since they won’t try any of the other methods that might help them more - since they automatically zoom in to my methods.
I had a teacher who loved mindmaps/brainstorms/networks. She forced us to make one for every single topic.
For me, this was a complete waste of time - I hated mindmaps, and I bloody well knew it. I tried to tell her I’d rather go about revision my own way - but she was adamant that mindmaps were the best.
Of course - this is nonsense - mindmaps were just the best for her.
But several students in my class took her message to heart - and were convinced that mindmaps were the best way to learn - it took them several years to unlearn this, and then to go about finding out what worked for them.
I don’t want to be like that teacher.
If you want to learn how to study well,- then you need to go and try different methods and find out what works for you.
Try making mindmaps, try writing distilled notes, try doing past exam papers - try as many different methods as you can think of, until you hit upon something which helps you.
This is something that no-one else can teach you - it is something you have to go and learn about yourself.
So there we go - I’ve gone on a long diatribe and deliberately not answered the question which was asked.
However - I hope that I have given you a decent answer to the question that should have been asked.
This is an excellent question to ask ourselves during challenging times when we feel isolated because our mental strength can help us better deal with our day to day life.
So what are some simple habits that can help us build our mental strength?
Let’s start with just these three.
Mental strength building habit
#1. Grow your mindset.
Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford, wrote a book called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. This book completely changed the way I understood the capabilities of the human brain. Dr. Dweck makes an important distinction between two mindsets: fixed and growth mindset.
A fixed mindset is when you think the world is “fixed” i.e. everything stays the same forever, and people never change and are incapable of being in control of their lives. You’re lucky if you have good genes, a particular talent or gift; conversely, if your IQ isn’t stellar, too bad because you can’t do anything to improve your intellect.
To apply this way of thinking to the present challenges we are facing, having a fixed mindset can mean we’re seeing the world completely out of our control. Governments are in power, presidents can “save” or “destroy” the population of their country depending on the decisions and laws they put into effect. And we, the regular people, just react — no choices, no decision-making is up to us. We merely receive — the news, new laws, restrictions, you name it. And that way of thinking can make us feel powerless. It’s exactly what we should avoid! Here’s where having a growth mindset can prove helpful.
How can you do it?
Shift your focus from generalizing and “awfulizing” about the global health crisis to identifying something that is within your control and that you can work on every single day. Instead of reading the news on Twitter for hours and getting more anxious by the minute, how about you identify one area of your life that you can improve (and that has a positive side effect of making you feel better about yourself)?
For example, take that extra time you have while you’re at home to practice a skill. Go on YouTube and learn how to bake bread from scratch. Take that book that’s been sitting on your shelf for months and read the first chapter. Take 10 minutes each morning to do a simple workout routine that will get your endorphins going — and you’ll benefit from this “happy” hormone, especially now.
Mental strength building habit
#2. See obstacles in a new light.
How often have you told yourself lately, if only I planned ahead I would have bought more canned soup, flour, rice, paper towels? Or, if only I wasn’t stuck at home I would still be following my diet of no carbs and no sugar? In those moments when you’re trying to rationalize your decisions, you’re blaming the obstacles (in this instance, the current situation) for not allowing you to achieve your short or long-term goals.
Or, to put it differently, you’re giving the external factors top priority and more importance than anything you can do. But what if obstacles were to serve a different purpose in your life? Instead of using them as an excuse to avoid something or even to quit something, you can use them to your advantage.
How can you do it?
In his book Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual, retired US Navy SEAL Jocko Willink has a power tip for how to deal with obstacles. I find it a bit controversial but it works. Jocko says that when you reach an obstacle, instead of saying, Oh no! you should embrace it and say, GOOD! Why talk about an obstacle in a positive light? It’s a subtle switch of your mindset that can yield big results because (a) it affects how you react to a problematic situation, (b) gives you a greater feeling of control, and (c) allows your brain to be more flexible instead of rigid. If you’ve been getting bad grades in your college courses in the past year, GOOD! Now you’ll have more time to prepare and organize your study days more effectively.
If you’ve been complaining that the apartment is a mess because your busy schedule doesn’t give you time to clean things up, GOOD! Now you’ll be able to find the time, maybe just 30 minutes each day, to tidy up. If you feel bad that you haven’t been reaching out to friends as much as you used to, GOOD! You can use this time to send a quick text message or call to let them know you’re thinking about your friendship.
Mental strength building habit
#3. Ride with the turbulence.
It’s an absolutely normal thing to encounter unexpected situations in your life. OK, so this current situation is definitely something out of the ordinary, but it’s not the first time you’ve encountered a turbulent time. Right? In fact, more often than not, our week takes a different turn from what we imagine it should be.
In the past, you would think that you have ten days to complete a project and then suddenly the deadline gets pushed up so you have only three days left. Nowadays, it’s the opposite — you have more time on your hands. What do you fill it with? It’s best to be careful not to let emotions take over your whole day, whether it’s feelings of anger, helplessness, or frustration. It may actually benefit you if you were to go with the flow, and take each day as it comes.
How can you do it?
Step one is to be aware of the thoughts that are running through your mind as you’re reacting to the unexpected event. The thoughts might sound something like this. It’s the end of the world! I’ll starve if I don’t buy large quantities of food this week! I’ll never see my friends! We will never feel safe going to the movie theater!
Step two is to tell yourself that whatever emotion you are feeling is only going to be temporary. You can say, Of course I’m upset, no wonder — everyone else is going through the same thing! It’s normal to have an emotional reaction right now but it will pass!
And step 3 is to ask yourself, What can I do right now to make myself feel better? You can choose to get off Twitter, turn off the TV for one hour, take a few deep breaths, pick some music to dance to in your living room, make yourself a warm meal or get a snack, or take out a pen and write a bit in your journal to give your thoughts and emotions a place to live.
Remember — what you do each day, no matter how small, will add up. Make sure you make every little moment matter. ♥️
At 22, I was finally able to get a divorce for an arranged marriage I never consented to. There is so much stigma attached to the concept of a divorced woman.
What is wrong with her? She is used goods. She's no longer a virgin. She has her own baggage. Why would anyone want a used woman when they could have a virgin in her 20s and start fresh with her.
In the USA, there is much less stigma about divorced women but there is still a lot of judgement attached to it. I normally won't speak of my divorce. But my mother enjoys making a spectacle of me abandoning the stranger she picked out for me. It's so difficult remaining civil and smiling to women who say things like
“sweetie you're Muslim. What happened? You're married. You shouldn't behave this way.”
This fake act of caring is so infuriating. After the age of 18, it is very common for women of Southern Asian countries to marry, most of them through arranged marriage. It didn't work for me. It is not a concept that I support nor believe benefits anyone.
Very rarely will anyone ask if you are happy in your marriage. The questions are all the same. Are you expecting? When are you expecting? Do you meet your husbands every need? No one bothers to ask about the bruise on the woman's body. Or if she chose to be a housewife.
No one bats an eye that your husband beat you relentlessly because you didn't appeal to his every whim. To me that is disgusting. People will rather accept an illusion of a happy marriage than to allow the woman to make decisions for herself. I understand this practice isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I'm a firm supporter of divorce. If you were married off at a young age, that's fine.
You were most likely pressured into it. But if you find your voice and want to free yourself, nothing should stop you. You are responsible for your own happiness. Do not let others dictate your life. Nor stay in an abusive marriage for the sake of society. Break boundaries, even if it paints you as the black sheep. Make choices solely for yourself.
If you detach from your emotions by burying them, by ignoring them, by filling your life with distractions, by suffocating them, you are really ignoring and suffocating yourself. Emotions are a form of intelligence, and diminishing them means missing out on vital information about your world.
If you detach from your emotions by feeling them, by being a witness to them, by giving them space, by asking yourself why, by identifying what it is that makes you feel the way you do, then you are paying attention to yourself. You are listening, and practicing not getting tangled up.
This is hard but slowly you learn that you are not your feelings, but rather the person who feels them.
The first option will disconnect you, from yourself and from everyone.
The second option is called self-awareness, and it is vital to happiness.
-Dushka Zapata
When I was 22, my skin started breaking out badly. It went from perfectly clear all my life to BAM. Red breakouts everywhere. I was embarrassed, confused, and it changed my personality.
I
tried hundreds of products over the course of 1-2 years, but nothing
worked. One day, something my parents had always told me “clicked.”
“You’re not going to be able to eat cupcakes and ice cream 24/7 forever without repercussions”
So, I changed my diet.
I started juicing (vegetables) and eating fruits. *MiRaCuLoUsLy*...
this cleared up my skin. 5 years later and it’s still a small battle I
fight as I still have some scars.
But that is maybe not how I interpret my look changed my life.
My appearance for all those several years impacted my life that way:
It
taught me that we are typical experiencing an inner struggle with some
thing. Whether or not it’s our skin, our fat, our job, us, cash, our
love connections, our kids, our success... such a thing. This has
increased my tendency to be empathetic and compassionate towards other
people all the time. It has made me more loving.
“Cognitive
dissonance” is a psychology term that refers to the situation when our
behavior and our beliefs differ—and we realize that. This creates an
inner conflict. To reconcile cognitive dissonance, you either have to
change your beliefs to match your behavior, or change your behavior to
match your beliefs.
How does cognitive dissonance relate to narcissistic abuse?
Imagine
that you are living with a Narcissist that you love, who you believe
loves you. Then your narcissistic partner abuses you. Now you are faced
with reconciling your beliefs that someone who says they love you and
who you love would never knowingly hurt you, and the fact that your
narcissistic lover is doing exactly that. This creates cognitive
dissonance in the abused partner.
Do narcissists feel cognitive dissonance when they abuse someone they claim to love?
Not in my experience. Narcissists will avoid having this type of inner conflict by a variety of different defensive strategies:
Denial—I never said that.
Blame—It
is entirely your fault that this happened. I only did (fill in the
blank with something awful) because you did (fill in the blank).
Rewriting History—You started this fight, not me. And then you kept escalating it.
Justification—I was just defending myself against your attack.
Gaslighting—You are just imagining things.
Punchline: Most
people who have been abused by the Narcissist in their life who claimed
to love them, cannot reconcile that with their idea that love and abuse
do not go together. As a result, they experience cognitive dissonance.
No one else, but we put locks in our brains ourselves. Here is how it works:
An old man used to live in a small town (more like a village). His home was very close to a school, and the school premises were often misused by people as they used to find a shortcut to places through the school premises. He did not want people to use school premises as a shortcut, but still wanted to use the shortcut himself for his commute.
Here is what he did: He put a lock on the gate of the school, and observed the people. He watched that people would make it to the gate, but then seeing a lock, they would turn back and would take the long-cut.
Then, in a few days, he took out the lock, but left the chain tied over and over around the gate. Note that now it was possible for anyone to un-tie the chain, and use the premises as shortcut. There was no stopping. There was no announcement. It wasn’t anything illegal.
BUT! People would see the chain, and would get discouraged anyway, and would walk away.
He started calling this a mental lock. We all have mental locks in our brains, put by ourselves.
We tell ourselves that we cannot succeed.
We tell ourselves that we are depressed.
We tell ourselves that we have been cheated.
We tell ourselves that we are not smart.
We tell ourselves that we would not be considered for a job.
We tell ourselves that everything that holds us back.
There is no physical lock. The lock is in the brain. I had heard this story of the man who used to put the chain around the school gate, and I had this story in the back of my mind.
One day, when me and my sister got two cats, we both didn’t want them to go to the kitchen area.
We put a child barrier in our home, so that the kitten would not cross it.
As the kitten grew to being cats, they still could not cross it, not because they had any physical limitations, but the lock was in the brain.
Life will throw a lot of mental locks your way. They would be thrown by your family, friends, colleagues, supervisors, and so on. It is you who put those locks in your brains. You have to unlock them yourself.
Your motivation will always end, when you will see some locks. If you stay disciplined, you can not just break some locks, but walk through walls.
Stay blessed and stay inspired!
-Rohit Malshe
During
my B.Tech days, I had a roommate who was from a relatively poor
background. He had grown up all his life in a village, studying in Hindi
Medium schools. He had also cleared JEE in Hindi Medium. As a result,
while he was extremely sharp, he faced problems scoring well in the
exams at IIT Kanpur because all the lectures, books and exams were in
English.
Considering
he could not afford the fee at IIT, he was able to survive with the
means-cum-merit scholarship provided by IIT Kanpur to students from poor
income backgrounds who were able to maintain a decent CGPA. For him,
maintaining a decent CGPA was a necessity for survival, and he worked
day and night for it.
In
fact, I have not seen anyone in my life so far who worked as hard as he
did. He had multiple thick English-to-Hindi dictionaries open in front
of him, where he would look up English words every now and then. He had
to look up the meaning of even simple words like “whereas”. He never
took a break - he was always studying. With all that hard work, he was
able to manage a CGPA of around 7.0 - which was just enough to help him
qualify for the scholarship.
There
was another guy in my batch who was from a rich background, but did not
concentrate on studies. That guy used to squander away his time playing
cards, or watching movies all night. While he had potential to score
above 9.0, he was able to just score a CGPA of 6.5 with his minimal
efforts.
In my mind, there are two types of people in this world.
The ones who do not have any resources spoon fed to them, but still work hard enough to survive and succeed in this world. They
have to work 10 times harder, but they are clear in their goals and do
not shy away from sacrificing everything to achieve their goals. I feel
really inspired whenever I hear stories about people from poor
backgrounds, who are still able to create a dent in the world with their
extreme hard work and focus.
And then, there are those who were born on the brighter side of the lottery of birth.
Those who were born with resources that gave them a distinct advantage
as compared to many others, but they still choose to waste away the
opportunity and lead a mediocre life.
There
are two types of people - those who go days without food because they
don’t have money, but still never lose their resolve, vs. those who have
been spoon fed with resources all their life, and end up taking those
resources for granted.
For all that is worth, it is never too late to start anew.
At
a point in my life, I wasn’t performing the best in my career, lost my
friends, saw death of my dearest grandfather, and suffered froma life threatening disease.
I cried every night and wanted to end my life as ‘no one liked me enough’!
But there came a day when I realised that it's me and everything I think about is more in my brain than in actual life.
I
started focusing on my career, gave importance to the people who truly
mattered, spared time for my hobbies and decided to let go of that
wasn’t letting me grow.
If you are being mistreated, it’s them and not you!
This quote has been the most powerful thing in my life.
I think everyone who is reading this can relate to it at some point in their life.
Every time we are mistreated or cheated, we blame our own self instead of blaming the person who is doing it.
If I gave the best of myself to someone and they did not do the same thing to me, I used to blame my own self and suffer.
At the end of the day, it is important to know that if someone is not being nice to you, it's them and not you.
Let not anyone’s negativity affect your awesomeness.
Let go of those who are already gone.
We will never be able to live our present happily if we decide to remain trapped in our past.
There
was someone in my life whose presence meant everything to me. Things
did not go the way I expected it to go and I lost that person before I
could even begin my life with him.
My GPA dropped, lost 20 pounds in 2.5 months, had suicidal thoughts, and suffered from intense depression.
There
came a day when I told myself that it's enough and I need to move on.
It was difficult, it took time and I still don’t know if I am over it.
But it has been one of the best decisions of my life. I started exploring things that I never did before.
Its difficult to let go, but once you do, it becomes the easiest thing in the world.
This too shall pass
Everyone has their low phases. At that point of time, we may feel that everything is over and you have nothing left to live for.
But trust me, from my own experience I could say that it will pass, it has to pass.
I know it's easy to say and I have experienced the pain of passing through it.
But
try to be courageous and believe in the fact that it's just a matter of
time because clouds can only prevent sunshine for a certain period of
time.
And believe me, I started appreciating all the good things that happen to me now only because I have seen the ugly ones.
It has been five years since I decided not to suffer anymore and life has been a blessing!
(I travelled alone for the first time to a new country)
(Started my own non-profit venture where I support children’s education)
(I have some amazing friends now)
(Recently,
I got a chance to host an education delegation to the University of
Cambridge and Oxford which was a dream come true!)
Issues are still the same, but changing perception made a lot of difference!
-Shivani Trivedi
Wednesday, 8 April 2020
Discovering
and clearly outlining your boundaries is how you love yourself: a
boundary means you put your own needs over another person’s demands on
you.
Learning
how to state your boundaries is really necessary, really difficult and
an act of courage. It implies you have to love yourself and respect your
needs enough to say “I am willing to disappoint you. If you think less
of me or lose interest in me because of this, so be it. I love you but
would rather lose you than lose myself.”
When your boundaries are respected, you are respected. You feel heard and seen.
When they are not respected, you feel resentful, anxious, stressed, confused and unsafe.
We
are often the “fixers.” We want to fix the relationship after a fight.
But that gets old really fast. After three or four fights, you will
notice that you are only the one trying to fix it. Stop. Stop
doing yourself a disservice. He doesn’t care. You deserve someone who
will put in the same effort into the relationship as you do. Walk away.
Don’t
use sex as a weapon. Sex will not keep a man. If you used sex to lure
him to you, I bet you there is another woman who is better and can just
as easily take him away from you. A relationship should be more than
sex. If sex is your only leverage, then that relationship has a short
lifespan.
You dictate when to have sex (in the beginning of the
relationship.) If you feel pressured into having sex, before you are
comfortable, then this is not a relationship worth pursuing. Your sole
worth shouldn’t be sex. Don’t ever use sex as compensation for
attention, time, or validation. It will go south really fast. Your self
esteem will suffer.
If you constantly have to check his social
media accounts to make sure he’s not cheating, then that relationship
isn’t for you. You shouldn’t ever have to put yourself in a position to
constantly doubt his faithfulness to you. If you don’t trust him, then
you shouldn’t date him.
Be honest with your expectations. If you
lie in the beginning, it will be much harder to bring up the longer you
wait. If you know your boyfriend wants kids, but you refuse to have
children, then you need to communicate that with him. Neither of you are
wrong, you just want different things. You should give him the
opportunity to be with someone who can give him what he wants, instead
of denying it to him.
Don’t rush to make any major decisions.
Don’t move in after knowing each other for a month, to “save money.” You
two barely know each other. You have no idea if you two will be
compatible enough to live with each other. Take your time to learn about
your significant other, before you decide on longterm decisions.
What
are your nonnegotiable(s)? If he has a child from a previous
girlfriend, and is paying child support, how does that affect your
relationship? Are you willing to include his child into your family? You
need to understand what core values you have and stick by them. Don’t
bend your values for anyone. It will breed resentment.
Are you
in a relationship because you truly love him? Or are you lonely? This is
a hard question to ask yourself. Chances are, the answer is the latter.
Don’t stay in a relationship solely because you are lonely. The
unhappiness attached to it, isn’t worth it.
His insecurities regarding you, isn’t your
problem. If you are making more money than him, and it bothers him, you
need to sit and evaluate the relationship. Is the constant fighting
worth it? If your boyfriend tells you, that you need to find a lower
paying job, hand over a portion of your check to him, or even quit all
together, then you need to step away. You are an adult capable of your
own decisions. He doesn’t dictate what you do.
Trips, social
media postings, date nights are all fun and amazing. But what about the
tough moments? Job loss, family deaths, weight gain. Do you both support
each other during the tough times? If he isn’t available for you during
the hard times, then it’s not a relationship worth keeping. Women need
emotional and mental support. Why be in a relationship with someone, if
you have to shoulder it all alone?
Take the time to learn about
your significant other. Learn their habits, interests, pet peeves,
goals, dreams, etc. Your significant other, should become your best
friend. You should be able to share everything with him, without fear of
abuse, judgment or shame. If you feel like you are walking on
eggshells, then you won’t be happy in the relationship long term. Is it
worth staying in a relationship if you are unhappy?
We are all
entitled to the bare minimum in a relationship. Which is: love,
compassion, empathy, respect, communication, patience, appreciation,
honesty and loyalty. This is not a high standard for ANYONE. If your
significant other isn’t able to meet these few criterias, then your
relationship is not healthy. It will rot from the inside out then leave
you battered and bruised. Save yourself the heartache and don’t settle
for less than you deserve.
