To me, a “red flag” is (in most cases) something to watch out for rather than something to run from.
It is, in particular, something to watch out for in myself.
Here is a partial list of things I would consider red flags:
When a person exhibits a general inability to be responsible. This reminds me to be accountable. To follow through. To do what I say I’m going to do. Never underestimate the value of being dependable.
When someone experiences difficulty using words. I don’t mean a lack of eloquence but rather a tendency to sulk, pout, brood, frown and scowl. If I’m doing this I try to remember others cannot read my mind.
When I like someone but don’t like any of his friends. Friends reveal a lot about a person. And, in many ways you become who they are. I try to surround myself with people I want to be like.
Someone with a life full of secrets. I like open books. I think mystery, intrigue and obscurity are overrated. In exchange, I am open about my own life. The times I have wanted to keep something from others are also the times I have made catastrophic mistakes.
Someone who seems to have no boundaries. I want to be with you all the time twenty four hours a day, I know I just met you, but you are the love of my life. (Ack.)
A lack of respect for your boundaries. No. I in fact do not have to explain why I am saying no to that.
Someone who tries to isolate you from other relationships that matter to you. This is actually a sign of abuse. (More on this later.)
Someone who, when telling you something that happened to them, portrays everything as if it’s always someone else’s fault. (Have I been blaming everyone else lately?)
Double red flag if as they are explaining it’s always someone else’s fault they erupt in anger or a tantrum. Whenever I erupt in anger over something I know it’s time to seriously recalibrate.
Someone who, when telling you something that happened to them, portrays everything as if they have never, ever made a mistake. Someone who never makes mistakes can’t grow, learn or be flexible.
When the problem is with “everyone”. Women are impossible to understand. Who knows what men want? Nobody understands me. Why doesn’t anybody love me? Everybody is out to get me.
When everything is negative, because “negative is realistic” (this is false). The world is awful, life is terrible, everyone wants to hurt me, all my friends will betray me, and there is no point to anything. (These could also be symptoms of depression. Whenever I have felt this way I talk with my doctor.)
A lack of interest in others. Someone who doesn’t care, doesn’t listen, doesn’t remember anything that is not directly related to them, their life, their interests. Have I been paying attention? Have I been listening to my friends?
Someone who always speaks ill of others. If you are speaking ill of everyone else, it stands to reason that when you talk to others you are not saying anything good about me. I make a conscious effort to not say anything bad about anyone else.
Being lied to for no reason. Lies are a big red flag for me, but being lied to for no reason is, well. I back out of the relationship.
Guilt trips (you would if you loved me.) Threats (if you don’t do this I won’t talk to you ever again.). Rules (You can’t do/say/wear that.). Drama (oh my god I can’t believe you are doing this to me were you ever even my friend?)
Projection. The cheater who suspects you’ll cheat, the thief who’s sure you’ll take something that belongs to him, the fickle person who’s sure you’ll leave. Projection is when you see in others what you are yourself. (When someone criticizes others they are often telling you about themselves. Another reason to be careful about what I say about others.)
Someone who makes me feel horrible about myself, unsure about what took place or doubting what I know I heard. I seem to recover from all of these things when I keep my distance. So, I keep my distance.
Double standards. You are mine, but I can see other people. I expect you to be home whenever I get home late. He’s a stud/she’s a slut.
A lack of consideration and respect to people who serve them. Is anyone you know mistreating the waiter? Yelling at the cab driver?
Abusive behavior. As incredible as this sounds, abuse is often invisible, even to the person being abused. Are you overly worried about how you say something or what you do because you want to make sure you don’t make another person angry?
Are you afraid? Do you feel you just can’t get anything right? Did you experience an incident of physical abuse that “was not so bad” or “only happened once”?
Do you understand that not all abuse is physical? Are you being yelled at, intimidated, isolated, threatened, dominated (against your consent), humiliated? These are not just red flags. Get organized. Run. Run for your life.
-Dushka Zapata
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