Disappointing Parents?

What my father wanted more than anything was grandchildren.

Do you know that deep yearning women feel, to be mothers? That calling?

I never felt that.

When I was a little girl I thought maybe that sensation would come later. I took for granted that when I got old enough I would find my soul mate, get pregnant, become a mother, and make my father a granddad.

I did eventually meet a wonderful man, and we talked about having children and just weren’t sure. Someday, we said. Sure - someday. Just not now.

My friends began having children and I could see the kind of commitment and dedication being a parent actually was. It felt wrong for me - so wrong.

The fact that it felt wrong felt terrifying.

I had never considered I would never be somebody’s mom. I had never thought possible that I would not give my father what he wanted the most.

But, wait a minute.

If I had a child, who would live with the consequences of this decision? Whose life would be forever altered?

My father would be involved maybe once a week.

The life completely transformed would be mine.

On one of the many times he asked me “When, Dushka? When are you going to tell me you are expecting my grandchild?” I finally said “Dad, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. I am so sorry, but I don’t want children.”

He stared at me. He frowned. Then he smiled. “Well” he said. “They are kind of a pain. They never do what you think they will. It’s like they are their own people.”

This is the most representative example of a time where I disappointed one of my parents. There were many others, both big and small: I was not a good student, I kept secrets, I did not go to a fancy college, I did not become a lawyer, I did not become an artist, 

I married a guy they didn’t think was right for me, my hair was always unruly, I got a divorce, I did not change the world. I could go on.

The summary is this - every time I disappointed them I chose to fully step into the fact that my life is mine and mine alone.

Disappointing people - your parents, your family, your friends and sometimes yourself - is necessary if you want to fully become the person you were meant to.

I hope you never stop disappointing your parents. I hope that with time it becomes less painful. And I hope that in doing so you fall in love with the incredible stranger who lives inside of you.

-Dushka Zapata