"I’ve lived in a chawl my entire childhood"

 “I’ve lived in a chawl my entire childhood. As a kid, I understood the importance of education–I’d study & top my class. But as years passed, Papa couldn't afford my fees; he was a contract worker & we were scraping by. I remember being in Class 8 when my fees hadn’t been paid for 9 months. That’s when Papa told me, ‘I can’t send you to school.’ 

But instead of giving up, I tutored kids from junior classes to pay my fees. I was 13 & I promised myself, ‘One day I’ll study in a reputed university & work at a big company’–that was my dream. 
The want to be a ‘somebody’ only grew & so, after I graduated from school at 18, I decided to go to a college in Mumbai. Vapi to Mumbai was a 3.5 hours journey, daily, but I didn’t mind; I was hungry to make it. 
I continued to tutor to fund my education. Everyday, I’d wake up at 6 AM, travel to college, tutor, visit a library to study & return home at 11! I knew my efforts would pay off & after I completed a year, my family moved to Mumbai to support me. 
In my 2nd year, I heard about a program being offered by NIIT. When I read more about it I knew by the end of the program, I’d get placed with a good company & so, I gave a screening test for it. And I got chosen! It was the happiest day of my life & I told myself, ‘The sky’s the limit!’ Papa was so proud of me! 
I put all my energy into my studies & not only topped my college, but I also got placed by NIIT at KPMG! When I got my first salary, I took my family for dinner & bought Mummy a ring for Mothers Day! 
After 3 years of hustling in Mumbai, my placement secured my future & I earned steadily.  
Then, I started working on my next goal– getting an MBA degree. And so after a 8 hour work day, I’d study for my exams & return home post midnight! Still, I failed the exam... It hurt, but I put in even more hours & passed on my next attempt! 
My family threw a party for me & Papa told everyone, ‘My girl paved her own path!’ To see him smile is all I’ve wanted!
I am the first girl in my family to have come this far. And when Papa tells my story to girls from my town, I feel proud to see their eyes sparkle with the belief that they can achieve their dreams too!” #AbPlacementPakki

{Credits : Humans of Bombay }

What isn't important.............

 What isn't important: a fantasy that the average person with a degree has fewer skills than the average person without. Of course, there are exceptions, but they are just that: exceptions. Companies complain all the time about college grads not having every single skill under the sun, but who do they turn around and hire for basically every professional, white-collar job?

These Will Hold You Back

 I will get everything perfect.

I will control everything.

I will say yes to everything and leave myself open to feeling exhausted and taken advantage of.

I will determine boundaries are selfish and as such will have none.

I will decide saying no means I am not loyal or dedicated enough.

I believe I am not good enough and this belief will influence all my decisions.

I believe I am helpless and cannot do things without others doing them for me.

I will live with envy in my heart for all the things others can have that I can’t have.

I will be perpetually attracted to people who are not available to me or don’t treat me well.

I am afraid that others will judge me so I will take no risks.

I will be angry at anyone who does not see things the way I see them.

I will commit to things and then not follow through so I can show me I cannot really be counted on.

I will make excuses to justify things I do that are not good for me. (I’ve had a rough week and deserve this plate of french fries.)

I think people who truly love me should just know what I want so instead of spelling it out I will get angry if they don’t get it right.

I will never ask for help.

I will live convinced that I don’t deserve good things, and don’t deserve to be loved.

-Dushka Zapata

I am sorry to say that until someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder has some..........

 I am sorry to say that until someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder has some appropriate and successful psychotherapy, their capacity to love anyone will be severely limited. The very traits, beliefs, coping mechanisms, and deficits that make them Narcissists impact their ability to love.

If we define mature love as more than superficial attraction, lust, or temporary idealization, it requires the ability to:

• Care deeply for the welfare of someone else.
• Love the other person for who they are, not what they can do for you.
• Be willing to make reasonable and necessary sacrifices when the other persons needs you—nurse them through illnesses, comfort them when they are sad or scared, and be with them when they are lonely.
• Hold your temper when the other person is being irritating.
• Like them despite their flaws.
• Not leave or give up when the going gets rough or the relationship feels less fulfilling.
• Keep your promises to your partner, even when you are no longer in the mood to do so.
• Be faithful.
• Be loyal.
• Take their feelings seriously.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. The essence of a loving couple is they think about themselves as a “we”, not just two separate “me’s”.

Punchline: Narcissistic love is quite shallow and a poor imitation of real love. They only love you when they are in the mood to love you.

A2A

Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP

In private practice and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations.

www.elinorgreenberg.com

Recently, I met a friend that told me about his cousin.

His cousin was absolutely fantastic at football - a real wizard - so good that he trialed for the Liverpool team for his age group when he was 14. They said he wasn’t physically strong enough and should try again in a year.

A year later he tried again, and again they rejected him. He kept trying for other clubs for a few more years and in going for his passion messed up his school education. To his credit, he went all out.

He failed to make a career out of football, but at least he followed his passion.

He’s now in his mid-forties and stacks shelves in a supermarket.

-Asim Qureshi, BA(Physics) Oxford University

Children Find Their Parents Frighteningly Inconsistent ?

 As a child I did not have the emotional vocabulary to think thoughts as sophisticated as “my parents are frighteningly inconsistent.”

Instead, what I thought was “there is something wrong with me.”

I tried to behave better and control my surroundings to protect my parents from whatever would take them from loving to harsh.

This resulted in me feeling anxious and powerless and like I couldn’t trust anything - including myself. My priority became making sure things were smooth and easy on the adults around me.

I was so focused on this enormous task it never occurred to me I might be neglecting to notice I too had needs.

What I learned over the years - and am still learning because sometimes I forget - is that it’s impossible for any human to control everything in an effort to make the entire universe more comfortable for the people that she loves.

Over time I had to learn to surrender, to listen to myself, to set boundaries, to soothe myself, and to realize that, alas, other people’s emotions were not my responsibility. Honestly, I can barely keep up with my own.

-Dushka Zapata

I Feel Like I Wasn't Cut Out For Life

Do you think this is easy?

Do you think life comes naturally to people?

Do you truly believe that most people are just happy?

Life is not that simple.

There are no people that are simply “cut out for it” just as there are none that aren’t cut out for life.

Life is a big, gigantic, messy ball of intertwined, knotted and clotted heap of shambles, and everyone has their own path to find, untangle and walk through.

No one said this would be easy.

But what choice do you have?

I mean, sure, you could end it all and take the easy way out. But what if that’s it?

What if there is nothing afterwards? Are you really willing to risk everything because you don’t feel cut out for living?

Everybody who has made anything of themselves did not do so easily.

Somewhere, sometime, in some way they struggled, even if they do not like to admit it.

Rarely anyone finds their purpose right away or a reason to live.

And that’s what counts.

It’s not what you achieve, not what purpose you find nor what reason you were given, but rather about living a life that you deem worth living.

But, truth be told, that is very unlikely to happen if you do not go out and create it.

You can say you are not cut out for it as often as you want, but it’s nothing more than a lazy excuse for not wanting to put in the work to create a great life.

Maybe you have experienced a lot of hardships, maybe you are too proud to get help, or maybe you just do not know where to start, but none of that is an excuse for lack of trying.

Waiting, complaining and wallowing in self-pity is not going to make your life any better.

And you are not special for thinking this way about life.

Countless people run through the same problems all over the world, thinking that life is pointless.

You are not the only one, not the first one, and definitely not the last one to feel this way.

But while you are wallowing in more and more self-pity there are those that accept it, that stand up, and that do something about it, for that is how you move on from this idea that has lodged itself in your mind like a parasite.

If you want to find out whether you are cut out for life or not then give it an honest shot! Stand up and do something about it!

It’s not going to be easy, but you can do it.

Go out and talk to more people if you are missing friends, find communities, groups and be the one that takes the first step!

Research jobs if yours is unfulfilling, talk to companies about what would make them hire someone in the job you want and then find how you can get that type of schooling and those qualifications.

And, if you are truly unfulfilled, then chase each and every joy, no matter how small, until you find something that you deem worth it.

Your life is in full throttle right now, you are not starting, you are in the midst of it, but what happens going forward is up to you.

Let me tell you just one thing though: Sitting around, whining about it, and wishing it were different will not create that life you wish for. You must do something.

You have the choice to change everything right now.

Figure out what needs to change so you would live an amazing life and then start to change those things one by one!

Take responsibility for your life.

Take charge.

And start living not just existing.

-Lukas Schwekendiek

 

Self Love vs Narcissism

 What most people do not understand about personality disorders, including Narcissistic Personality Disorders, are they are characterized by extreme rigidity. Self-love or the lack of self-love has absolutely nothing to do with why NPD is characterized as personality disorder. You can lack self-love or have lots of it and still not have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder—or any type of personality disorder.

What is the basic definition of a personality disorder?

It is a rigid, maladaptive, highly limited and predictable way of viewing and responding to other people. Here are 10 basic defining characteristics of personality disorders:

1. They start in early childhood and continue through adulthood.
2. They are stable across time. The person does the same things their entire life or until they get appropriate therapeutic help.
3. They are enacted with almost everyone in some form.
4. They are highly resistant to change.
5. People do not grow out of a personality disorder with life experience.
6. Having a personality disorder limits spontaneity by locking the person into a set of repetitious responses to life.
7. People with personality disorders have a very limited set of behaviors that are characteristic of that personality disorder.
8. This means that they do not have the freedom to act in other ways that might be more productive or appropriate to the situation. Acting in other ways does not seem like an option.
9. Because of the above issues, the thinking and behavior of people with personality disorders are very, very repetitious and predictable once you get to know them.
10. They never reached the normal developmental stage of acquiring whole object relations. This means that, instead of seeing themselves and other people in a realistic, integrated, and relatively stable way, people with PDs split and can only see people (including themselves) as either all-good or all-bad.

What about Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

People with NPD have all of the above issues plus quite a few others. To touch on the most common:

1. They lack emotional empathy. They cannot automatically care about anyone else’s pain and or share other people’s joy.
2. They need constant external validation to manage their self-esteem.
3. They are status driven and mistakenly believe that the only way to really be happy is to have high status.
4. They are highly competitive and believe that life is made up of winners and losers.
5. They only want to associate with winners.
6. They believe that if you cannot be the best at something, you should not do it—even if you want to do it.
7. Their fall back defense is to devalue other people and their achievements.
8. They often take credit for other people’s work or ideas—and often do not realize that is what they are doing. If it is a good idea, they think it must be their’s.
9. They blame other people for their mistakes and failures.
10. They envy other people’s successes and are relieved and happy usually (but may pretend otherwise) when other people fail. It boosts their self-esteem.
11. Their version of the all-good or all-bad split divides people into two categories: special, perfect, and high status or flawed, low class, worthless garbage.
12. They cannot maintain a stable, fair, mutually enjoyable longterm relationship.
13. They have tantrums or sulk when they do not get their way.

Punchline: Narcissistic personality disorder has more to do with rigidity, an inability to adequately regulate one’s own self-esteem, and a lack of emotional empathy than self-love. Asking when self-love is healthy vs becoming NPD, misses the point. Like the song says: “What’s love got to do with it?” In this case, very little.

Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP

In private practice and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations.

www.elinorgreenberg.com

High IQ or Strong Work Ethic. Wouldn't high IQ people have to work less and have more fun just because they have that gift?

 

Why do you think that this is an either-or proposition? If you have a high IQ, why can’t you also develop a strong work ethic?

Wouldn't high IQ people have to work less and have more fun just because they have that gift?

Sure, foolish short-term thinkers may do that, but they’ll soon realize that the world doesn’t reward doing easy things as much. Besides, you’ll get bored with your life if you always do easy things. Learning a hard skill does three things for you: (1) provides you with material comfort, self-respect and pride in one’s work, and intellectual engagement, (2) builds a strong work ethic, and (3) helps develop humility.

Education is a great way to achieve all three. It builds grit and mental discipline because the degree shows that you can stick with a challenging multi-year commitment without quitting when the going gets tough, and it gives you valuable skills if you pick the right course of study for you.

Uneducated high IQ people are usually useless for solving highly challenging intellectual problems because they give up too soon since they were never forced out of their comfort zone because everything was easy for them in high school. They never struggled to solve novel and challenging problems, and hence never develop the mental stamina. A challenging university program is great training for developing and honing intellectual skills.

It will also build humility, like when you see other smart and brilliant people (colleagues and professors) around you, when you see your test scores, and when you fail at something. You will fail at some point if you’re doing something that’s worth doing, and this will teach a lot of lessons.

In short, if you have a very high IQ, learn to solve harder problems rather than coasting through life. It’ll bring you more long-term satisfaction and will help you develop into a better human being.

Karan Mehta, PhD in EE

Let me share a very practical approach to life that I try to follow. An approach that has helped me immensely in all aspects of my life.

I value my mental space a lot. And by lot, I mean a lot.

Everyone knows that time is money, but I believe that mental space is money as well. While our mind is capable of handling unbelievable amount of data, the more garbage you put in your mind, the slower and more inefficient the mind becomes.

There are only so many things I can spend my bandwidth on, and I would rather spend my mental bandwidth on thinking about things that are productive. I actively avoid thinking even remotely about anything that is unproductive.

I don’t spend time on overthinking, because that is a complete waste of time. I would rather spend that time on acting on the next steps instead. Overthinking is not going to yield any result, and in most the cases, the issues we worry about the most are completely irrelevant issues.

I don’t think about emotional issues or stress either, because the amount of time I spend thinking about these issues could be very well spent on something better.

Similarly, I don’t give a hoot to what the society thinks about me. While I appreciate constructive feedback, I really do not care about anything else that society or anyone else might say. For me, the most important use of my time is to do what seems right to me, instead of getting emotionally involved with the opinions of society.

In my mind, I have a list of things I have to accomplish every single day. That list is always ambitious enough to keep me going, and I would rather spend my full mental space and time on those activities. Those activities include not just work, but also my hobbies - reading books, playing Badminton, dancing Salsa, travelling, scuba diving or any other activity I wish to take up.

Believe me, the more you value your mental space, the more you will be able to get things done.

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If you wish to reach out to me, feel free to connect with me on Instagram: @jainrohanrj

It's not about being good or bad in studying

 It's not about being good or bad in studying. It's about how focused you're in studying. For example, you're reading a thriller. You're so focused and interested in reading that book that you forget everything else. Studying for any competitive exam, including the IAS, demands the same sort of focus and concentration.

If you have studied subjects like history, geography and political science, either in school or college, it definitely helps. Now you may not all be interested in studying some subjects for the IAS. You may consider them dull and insipid. For example, the majority of students in my class were least interested in Biology and would barely pass. Those who were interested would invariably score excellent marks.

I started studying for a tough professional exam six years after graduation while in a full-time job. I was doing self study and did not find the subjects very interesting. I had studied most of the subjects in college but the six year gap after graduation and a full-time job were not conducive to studies. The only option to not studying was to remain in a clerical position all my life. This was not acceptable and I put heart and soul into studies. Since I refused to embrace mediocrity, I did well. Today after retirement, I lead a comfortable life thanks to those four years of hardship.

The only motivating factor in life is not only a comfortable future, but to lead a life where you do not have to scrounge for pennies and you have respect for yourself. If you do not have respect for yourself, you cannot expect respect from others.

Self-motivation is an important ingredient for success. You must have faith in yourself that you are capable of achieving your goals, whatever those might be.

Good luck 🍀

-V Balasubramanian