As a child I did not have the emotional vocabulary to think thoughts as sophisticated as “my parents are frighteningly inconsistent.”
Instead, what I thought was “there is something wrong with me.”
I tried to behave better and control my surroundings to protect my parents from whatever would take them from loving to harsh.
This resulted in me feeling anxious and powerless and like I couldn’t trust anything - including myself. My priority became making sure things were smooth and easy on the adults around me.
I was so focused on this enormous task it never occurred to me I might be neglecting to notice I too had needs.
What I learned over the years - and am still learning because sometimes I forget - is that it’s impossible for any human to control everything in an effort to make the entire universe more comfortable for the people that she loves.
Over time I had to learn to surrender, to listen to myself, to set boundaries, to soothe myself, and to realize that, alas, other people’s emotions were not my responsibility. Honestly, I can barely keep up with my own.
-Dushka Zapata
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