I am sorry to say that until someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder has some appropriate and successful psychotherapy, their capacity to love anyone will be severely limited. The very traits, beliefs, coping mechanisms, and deficits that make them Narcissists impact their ability to love.
If we define mature love as more than superficial attraction, lust, or temporary idealization, it requires the ability to:
- Care deeply for the welfare of someone else.
- Love the other person for who they are, not what they can do for you.
- Be willing to make reasonable and necessary sacrifices when the other persons needs you—nurse them through illnesses, comfort them when they are sad or scared, and be with them when they are lonely.
- Hold your temper when the other person is being irritating.
- Like them despite their flaws.
- Not leave or give up when the going gets rough or the relationship feels less fulfilling.
- Keep your promises to your partner, even when you are no longer in the mood to do so.
- Be faithful.
- Be loyal.
- Take their feelings seriously.
I could go on, but I think you get the picture. The essence of a loving couple is they think about themselves as a “we”, not just two separate “me’s”.
Punchline: Narcissistic love is quite shallow and a poor imitation of real love. They only love you when they are in the mood to love you.
A2A
Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP
In private practice and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations.
www.elinorgreenberg.com
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