Low self-esteem is a trait that can be transmitted from parent to child. There are two commonly encountered scenarios in which parents with low self-esteem interfere with their children acquiring a positive and stable sense of their own self-worth.
Scenario 1—We are worthless so you must be as well
In this scenario the parents have such low self-esteem that they cannot imagine that anyone they give birth to could possibly have value or be successful. They may consciously or unconsciously communicate this message to their children:
We are worthless, so you must be worthless as well.
The parents do not notice or point out their children’s strengths. Even when the children have successes, the parents either ignore them or say and do things that diminish their importance.
Example—The Spelling Bee
Harry wins his 3rd grade class’s Spelling Bee. The next step is for the best speller in each class to compete against each other for the title: Best Speller in the 3rd Grade. His parents assume that it is a fluke that Harry got this far, so they want to prepare him not to be too disappointed when he inevitably loses in the next round. Instead of praising Harry, they say:
Don’t get your hopes up. There are probably a lot better spellers than you in the 3rd grade. Be glad you got this far.
By the time he was grown, Harry was fully indoctrinated to believe that any successes that he had were probably lucky accidents. Because of his low self-esteem, Harry never felt equipped or entitled to go into the profession that really interested him. Instead, he aimed low and settled for a boring job and a life that was below what he was capable of achieving.
Scenario 2—Don’t think you are better than us
In this scenario, the father (usually) in the family is working at a blue collar job and resents everyone who has it easier or better than him. When his children show an aptitude for schoolwork or special talents of any kind, instead of feeling pride in their successes, he resents them.
Often this parent has narcissistic personality disorder and is afraid that if his children excel at anything, they will look down on him. He reacts to this fear by devaluing his children. He does not want them to have more self-esteem than he does—or a better life. His basic message to them is:
Don’t think you are better than me!
Example—Dan the Bond Salesman
Dan was raised in a working class family. His father Joe had started working right after high school. Now he is the superintendent in a big luxury building. He changes the tenants lightbulbs and does minor repairs. In return Joe gets a small salary and a free apartment for his family in the building’s basement.
Dan’s mother Maria came from an immigrant working class family. From her point of view, her life is good. She has a husband and children and when she wants to, she can earn extra money by cleaning tenants’ apartments. That and taking care of her three children and her husband keep her too busy to see that her son Dan is smart and should aim higher than his father’s job.
Dan’s first job is as temporary doorman, while one of the full time doormen is away on vacation. Dan’s father sees this as Dan’s likely career path, which would culminate in a stable union job as a permanent doorman. Joe sees no need for Dan to finish high school, let alone go to college. His view is that if this life is good enough for him, it should be good enough for his son.
One of the building’s tenants takes a liking to Dan the summer that he is the doorman. He encourages Dan and is the first person to ever suggest that he should go to college. Dan has low self-esteem, but with this encouragement, he starts daring to dream that someday he might have a better life.
Cut to the future, Dan has a good head for numbers and is likable and polite. The tenant gives him a job in his firm and trains him to be a bond salesman. Dan is now married with a family and making good money. But..inside he still feels as if he is not really entitled to be this successful. He still feels as if he needs his father’s approval.
Dan has just bought a new Mercedes Benz and goes home to his parents, hoping that his father will be proud of him. His father takes one look at the car and says: Don’t think coming here in your fancy car makes you better than me! You are still just a little shit acting like a big shot!
Punchline: Although not every child raised by parents with low self-esteem develop that problem, without other protective factors, it can be an outcome.
Elinor Greenberg, PhD
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