Thats Why Everyone is Bad in this World......

Let’s pretend I have a dark secret.

I believe I am not good enough and therefore I operate under that assumption.

I am convinced that in order to deserve love I have to please others.

I have to work at getting people to like me.

If someone else wants anything from me I am compelled to provide it. Otherwise, they won’t want to be with me.

Examples of what other people might want from me vary broadly: help with their homework, keeping their secrets, liking what they like, wanting to do what they want to do. Sex.

I’m almost pleading at first. I jump at the chance to give what I can.

But then, wait a minute. This isn’t right.

I feel used, become resentful, angry.

Resentment is a symptom of poor boundaries. I shouldn’t have let it get this far.

Another symptom of poor boundaries is the sense something is wrong with “everybody”.

Why is everybody using me? Why does everyone lie to me? Why does everyone end up betraying me?

Boundaries are hard to set – saying no is difficult – because the underlying belief is that saying no will cost me the relationship. It is an indication that I am not giving enough, that I am not loyal enough, not dedicated enough.

It must mean I’m selfish.

But setting boundaries is not selfish. It’s healthy. It’s how I respect myself.

Look around you. Boundaries are why fences exist, and walls and doors and curtains. They are indispensible for our well-being.

I need to honor myself enough to acknowledge that my boundaries can and will shift. They are mine, so they can do anything they want.

Yesterday I was happy to help you with your homework. I am not willing to do it today. I had sex with you last night. I don’t want to this morning. I don’t have to explain.

“No” is a complete sentence.

Boundary setting is a life-long exercise that you often need to re-examine, re-establish. I am giving up my weekend to finish what my boss asked me to do. I’m working late, again.

I’m saying yes when I want to say no to get someone to think well of me.

I need to be brave enough to say: this is who I am. This is what I like. This is what I can do for you. But, you can’t push against who I am. You can’t get me to like something I don’t.

You can’t get me to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

My discomfort for your benefit is not healthy for either of us.

-Dushka Zapata