Children Find Their Parents Frighteningly Inconsistent ?

 As a child I did not have the emotional vocabulary to think thoughts as sophisticated as “my parents are frighteningly inconsistent.”

Instead, what I thought was “there is something wrong with me.”

I tried to behave better and control my surroundings to protect my parents from whatever would take them from loving to harsh.

This resulted in me feeling anxious and powerless and like I couldn’t trust anything - including myself. My priority became making sure things were smooth and easy on the adults around me.

I was so focused on this enormous task it never occurred to me I might be neglecting to notice I too had needs.

What I learned over the years - and am still learning because sometimes I forget - is that it’s impossible for any human to control everything in an effort to make the entire universe more comfortable for the people that she loves.

Over time I had to learn to surrender, to listen to myself, to set boundaries, to soothe myself, and to realize that, alas, other people’s emotions were not my responsibility. Honestly, I can barely keep up with my own.

-Dushka Zapata

I Feel Like I Wasn't Cut Out For Life

Do you think this is easy?

Do you think life comes naturally to people?

Do you truly believe that most people are just happy?

Life is not that simple.

There are no people that are simply “cut out for it” just as there are none that aren’t cut out for life.

Life is a big, gigantic, messy ball of intertwined, knotted and clotted heap of shambles, and everyone has their own path to find, untangle and walk through.

No one said this would be easy.

But what choice do you have?

I mean, sure, you could end it all and take the easy way out. But what if that’s it?

What if there is nothing afterwards? Are you really willing to risk everything because you don’t feel cut out for living?

Everybody who has made anything of themselves did not do so easily.

Somewhere, sometime, in some way they struggled, even if they do not like to admit it.

Rarely anyone finds their purpose right away or a reason to live.

And that’s what counts.

It’s not what you achieve, not what purpose you find nor what reason you were given, but rather about living a life that you deem worth living.

But, truth be told, that is very unlikely to happen if you do not go out and create it.

You can say you are not cut out for it as often as you want, but it’s nothing more than a lazy excuse for not wanting to put in the work to create a great life.

Maybe you have experienced a lot of hardships, maybe you are too proud to get help, or maybe you just do not know where to start, but none of that is an excuse for lack of trying.

Waiting, complaining and wallowing in self-pity is not going to make your life any better.

And you are not special for thinking this way about life.

Countless people run through the same problems all over the world, thinking that life is pointless.

You are not the only one, not the first one, and definitely not the last one to feel this way.

But while you are wallowing in more and more self-pity there are those that accept it, that stand up, and that do something about it, for that is how you move on from this idea that has lodged itself in your mind like a parasite.

If you want to find out whether you are cut out for life or not then give it an honest shot! Stand up and do something about it!

It’s not going to be easy, but you can do it.

Go out and talk to more people if you are missing friends, find communities, groups and be the one that takes the first step!

Research jobs if yours is unfulfilling, talk to companies about what would make them hire someone in the job you want and then find how you can get that type of schooling and those qualifications.

And, if you are truly unfulfilled, then chase each and every joy, no matter how small, until you find something that you deem worth it.

Your life is in full throttle right now, you are not starting, you are in the midst of it, but what happens going forward is up to you.

Let me tell you just one thing though: Sitting around, whining about it, and wishing it were different will not create that life you wish for. You must do something.

You have the choice to change everything right now.

Figure out what needs to change so you would live an amazing life and then start to change those things one by one!

Take responsibility for your life.

Take charge.

And start living not just existing.

-Lukas Schwekendiek

 

Self Love vs Narcissism

 What most people do not understand about personality disorders, including Narcissistic Personality Disorders, are they are characterized by extreme rigidity. Self-love or the lack of self-love has absolutely nothing to do with why NPD is characterized as personality disorder. You can lack self-love or have lots of it and still not have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder—or any type of personality disorder.

What is the basic definition of a personality disorder?

It is a rigid, maladaptive, highly limited and predictable way of viewing and responding to other people. Here are 10 basic defining characteristics of personality disorders:

1. They start in early childhood and continue through adulthood.
2. They are stable across time. The person does the same things their entire life or until they get appropriate therapeutic help.
3. They are enacted with almost everyone in some form.
4. They are highly resistant to change.
5. People do not grow out of a personality disorder with life experience.
6. Having a personality disorder limits spontaneity by locking the person into a set of repetitious responses to life.
7. People with personality disorders have a very limited set of behaviors that are characteristic of that personality disorder.
8. This means that they do not have the freedom to act in other ways that might be more productive or appropriate to the situation. Acting in other ways does not seem like an option.
9. Because of the above issues, the thinking and behavior of people with personality disorders are very, very repetitious and predictable once you get to know them.
10. They never reached the normal developmental stage of acquiring whole object relations. This means that, instead of seeing themselves and other people in a realistic, integrated, and relatively stable way, people with PDs split and can only see people (including themselves) as either all-good or all-bad.

What about Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

People with NPD have all of the above issues plus quite a few others. To touch on the most common:

1. They lack emotional empathy. They cannot automatically care about anyone else’s pain and or share other people’s joy.
2. They need constant external validation to manage their self-esteem.
3. They are status driven and mistakenly believe that the only way to really be happy is to have high status.
4. They are highly competitive and believe that life is made up of winners and losers.
5. They only want to associate with winners.
6. They believe that if you cannot be the best at something, you should not do it—even if you want to do it.
7. Their fall back defense is to devalue other people and their achievements.
8. They often take credit for other people’s work or ideas—and often do not realize that is what they are doing. If it is a good idea, they think it must be their’s.
9. They blame other people for their mistakes and failures.
10. They envy other people’s successes and are relieved and happy usually (but may pretend otherwise) when other people fail. It boosts their self-esteem.
11. Their version of the all-good or all-bad split divides people into two categories: special, perfect, and high status or flawed, low class, worthless garbage.
12. They cannot maintain a stable, fair, mutually enjoyable longterm relationship.
13. They have tantrums or sulk when they do not get their way.

Punchline: Narcissistic personality disorder has more to do with rigidity, an inability to adequately regulate one’s own self-esteem, and a lack of emotional empathy than self-love. Asking when self-love is healthy vs becoming NPD, misses the point. Like the song says: “What’s love got to do with it?” In this case, very little.

Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP

In private practice and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations.

www.elinorgreenberg.com

High IQ or Strong Work Ethic. Wouldn't high IQ people have to work less and have more fun just because they have that gift?

 

Why do you think that this is an either-or proposition? If you have a high IQ, why can’t you also develop a strong work ethic?

Wouldn't high IQ people have to work less and have more fun just because they have that gift?

Sure, foolish short-term thinkers may do that, but they’ll soon realize that the world doesn’t reward doing easy things as much. Besides, you’ll get bored with your life if you always do easy things. Learning a hard skill does three things for you: (1) provides you with material comfort, self-respect and pride in one’s work, and intellectual engagement, (2) builds a strong work ethic, and (3) helps develop humility.

Education is a great way to achieve all three. It builds grit and mental discipline because the degree shows that you can stick with a challenging multi-year commitment without quitting when the going gets tough, and it gives you valuable skills if you pick the right course of study for you.

Uneducated high IQ people are usually useless for solving highly challenging intellectual problems because they give up too soon since they were never forced out of their comfort zone because everything was easy for them in high school. They never struggled to solve novel and challenging problems, and hence never develop the mental stamina. A challenging university program is great training for developing and honing intellectual skills.

It will also build humility, like when you see other smart and brilliant people (colleagues and professors) around you, when you see your test scores, and when you fail at something. You will fail at some point if you’re doing something that’s worth doing, and this will teach a lot of lessons.

In short, if you have a very high IQ, learn to solve harder problems rather than coasting through life. It’ll bring you more long-term satisfaction and will help you develop into a better human being.

Karan Mehta, PhD in EE

Let me share a very practical approach to life that I try to follow. An approach that has helped me immensely in all aspects of my life.

I value my mental space a lot. And by lot, I mean a lot.

Everyone knows that time is money, but I believe that mental space is money as well. While our mind is capable of handling unbelievable amount of data, the more garbage you put in your mind, the slower and more inefficient the mind becomes.

There are only so many things I can spend my bandwidth on, and I would rather spend my mental bandwidth on thinking about things that are productive. I actively avoid thinking even remotely about anything that is unproductive.

I don’t spend time on overthinking, because that is a complete waste of time. I would rather spend that time on acting on the next steps instead. Overthinking is not going to yield any result, and in most the cases, the issues we worry about the most are completely irrelevant issues.

I don’t think about emotional issues or stress either, because the amount of time I spend thinking about these issues could be very well spent on something better.

Similarly, I don’t give a hoot to what the society thinks about me. While I appreciate constructive feedback, I really do not care about anything else that society or anyone else might say. For me, the most important use of my time is to do what seems right to me, instead of getting emotionally involved with the opinions of society.

In my mind, I have a list of things I have to accomplish every single day. That list is always ambitious enough to keep me going, and I would rather spend my full mental space and time on those activities. Those activities include not just work, but also my hobbies - reading books, playing Badminton, dancing Salsa, travelling, scuba diving or any other activity I wish to take up.

Believe me, the more you value your mental space, the more you will be able to get things done.

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If you wish to reach out to me, feel free to connect with me on Instagram: @jainrohanrj

It's not about being good or bad in studying

 It's not about being good or bad in studying. It's about how focused you're in studying. For example, you're reading a thriller. You're so focused and interested in reading that book that you forget everything else. Studying for any competitive exam, including the IAS, demands the same sort of focus and concentration.

If you have studied subjects like history, geography and political science, either in school or college, it definitely helps. Now you may not all be interested in studying some subjects for the IAS. You may consider them dull and insipid. For example, the majority of students in my class were least interested in Biology and would barely pass. Those who were interested would invariably score excellent marks.

I started studying for a tough professional exam six years after graduation while in a full-time job. I was doing self study and did not find the subjects very interesting. I had studied most of the subjects in college but the six year gap after graduation and a full-time job were not conducive to studies. The only option to not studying was to remain in a clerical position all my life. This was not acceptable and I put heart and soul into studies. Since I refused to embrace mediocrity, I did well. Today after retirement, I lead a comfortable life thanks to those four years of hardship.

The only motivating factor in life is not only a comfortable future, but to lead a life where you do not have to scrounge for pennies and you have respect for yourself. If you do not have respect for yourself, you cannot expect respect from others.

Self-motivation is an important ingredient for success. You must have faith in yourself that you are capable of achieving your goals, whatever those might be.

Good luck 🍀

-V Balasubramanian

If you are very bad in studying, how is it possible to become an IAS officer?

If you have analysed why you are bad at studies and chalked out a remedial program then you can prepare for any competitive examination like that of IAS.

But if you are not willing to improve in studies ,you should try some non competitive venture.

Certain parameters to check.

Are you honest in working to fulfill promises you make to yourself . Are you sincere in studies or just while away your time . Do you keep to schedule for daily studies or you have excuses ready. After studies do you invariably make notes in a register in question answer form or just leave it like reading a novel. Do you test yourself at least once a week about what you could grasp in last week and how much you reproduce correctly .

Try above. You should improve .

-Sharda Prasad

 In his monumental work, Lectures on Physics, Richard Feynman made this comment regarding J. C. Maxwell’s work—which surprised many because Einstein was then considered a very big deal:

• “From a long view of the history of mankind—seen from, say, ten thousand years from now—there can be little doubt that the most significant event of the 19th century will be judged as Maxwell's discovery of the laws of electrodynamics. The American Civil War will pale into provincial insignificance in comparison with this important scientific event of the same decade.”

Now don’t be scared: These famous T-shirt equations define the properties of Electromagnetism. They read like a foreign language, but learning about them is not all that difficult once you know what the symbols mean. However, they are clearly meant for people who fill blackboards full of this stuff.

There are many ways of writing these equations and regardless of how they are written they say something absolutely remarkable. For example, the second equation (Gauss’ Law of Magnetism) says there can’t be magnetic monopoles, even though the equation above it defines the characteristics of electric monopoles. Maxwell's third equation is Faraday's Law. It says that an electric field (E) is produced by a varying magnetic field (B).

But remarkably, the fourth equation can be solved for the speed of electromagnetic phenomena in a vacuum, “c” which works out to be 2.99792458 x 10^8 meters per second (present day, agreed-upon number).

Now Maxwell’s calculation of “c” was actually a simple wave equation that was a function of only two physical constants, the Permittivity (ε) and Permeability (μ) of a vacuum; values that were not hard to measure. So Maxwell’s “c” depends on the accuracy of two constants, which describe only the nature of the medium…nothing else! To believe anything can go faster than light is to believe that there is a medium with a Permittivity and Permeability less than vacuum. So in a very fundamental way, you can’t get a more accurate measurement for “c” for any electromagnetic phenomenon in a vacuum. Remember, Maxwell was only talking about the characteristic of the electromagnetic field in a vacuum. All the relativity stuff came much later with Einstein.

James Clerk Maxwell published his equations in 1861-1862. Experimenters were excited! It immediately became apparent that light had to be an electromagnetic phenomenon, because many careful experimenters, who were at the time independently trying to measure the speed of light by strictly opto-mechanical methods, were coming up with velocities not one part in a thousand different!

It is hard to overestimate the importance of Maxwell’s accomplishment. He put together the basic ideas of Faraday, Gauss, Ampere and other 19th century scientists who were then experimenting with the newly discovered principles of electricity and magnetism. The telegraph had just been invented. The American Civil War would soon begin. It was the era of wood-fired steam engines and horses and muskets. People used whale oil lamps and tallow candles to drive away the darkness. But the ideas of Maxwell in the early 1860s were almost miraculous. Interest in his theories among scientists was phenomenal.

“I’m Rich! I’m Making Tons of Money!”

 

“You may feel rich, but you will never be wealthy!” I interrupted Lex who was expressing his joy after getting a new job.

“What does that mean?” he asked with eyes wide open.

I returned his question with a question. “What are you working for, Lex?”

“Uhh, Sam! Obviously I’m working for money! I want money! Show me the money! I want to have lots and lots of money!”

“Well, Lex, if you’re working for MONEY, if your goal is accumulating MONEY, you will NEVER be wealthy!” I said.

“WHAT? You are wrong, Sam! I’m accumulating MONEY! I work, for money, that’s why I work really really hard!”

“Lex, you are confusing money with wealth,” I answered in a calm voice to get his emotions under control. “Let me ask you something. How much do you make per hour?”

“I got a raise from $120 dlls/hour to $200 dlls/hour! I’m making huge money. Last week I celebrated by buying a Mercedes for my wife. She was so happy. I’m so happy that I can afford all her dreams.”

“You can’t afford it, Lex!”

“What do you mean I can’t afford it? I just did! I have the car at home now!”

“How much did you pay for the new car?” I asked.

“Ohh, you need to see it to believe it! It’s that SUV, with all the gadgets you could ever imagine. It’s a $90,000 beast!” Lex said proudly. He couldn't contain his emotions. It meant success for him!

“How much cash did you pay?” I asked.

“That's the best part! The financing was unbelievable! With my new payroll, I qualified in a heartbeat! I charged my credit card with a small 10% down payment, just $9,000!”

“You couldn't afford it, Lex! That was a bad decision!”

“I deserve this! I worked hard for this! I make $300,000 a year! I’m rich, Sam! I can buy all my gadgets. I love my boat, my motorcycle, my cars … and when you visit my media room at home, and listen to that audio, your pants will drop!”

“No, Lex, your pants will drop the moment you realize that you are working for money. You are working to accumulate stuff and you will never accumulate wealth! The moment you lose your job, you will be living in hell!”

“Shut up, Sam! Don’t even mention it!” he quickly replied.

“Lex, wealth is only found in assets, not a job. People who own assets are wealthy. Assets increase their value over time or better yet, the best assets make money for you. That is what real wealth means.”

I continued.

“I invite you to see money through a different lens. Money is a tool, a medium of exchange. Money is simply a unit of measurement used in the act of giving and receiving. Money is just a source of energy.”

“I don’t get it, Sam!”

“Lex, you make $200 per hour. That’s amazing! But have you noticed you owe hundreds of hours of work to pay for your lifestyle? How much do you owe today?”

“About $500,000, including the mortgage on my house. I am not worrying about it because today I am able to make much more!”

“Do the math, Lex. Convert your debt into labor hours! You make $200/hour. Good, but take away taxes, around 30%, take away cash invested into your IRA, 401K, etc. Effectively, you have available around $130/hour.”

“Correct …” Lex said attentively, trying to find something to prove me wrong.

“Let’s divide $500,000 / $130. That’s 3,846 hours of work you owe. You don’t owe money, you owe time! You are hooked! You don’t have the assets to cover your debt. You are the only source of income. Your work, your labor, your time.”

“That can’t be right!”

“You can’t afford all those things! You must start accumulating assets!”

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• Think of money this way: Spending more money than you earn, is consuming more value than you produce. It isn’t money owed; it’s a deficit of your TIME.

• If you don't own any assets, your TIME is the only source of VALUE you have!

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• DEBT = PRODUCED VALUE - CONSUMED VALUE

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• Lex has a debt of $500,000. This means he has consumed $500,000 more value than he has produced. The debt that Lex has with the Mercedes is a promise of future production of value!

 If you own one of these, you eliminated a maid’s job and replaced it with a robot.

Also, do you own one of these?

If so, you’re responsible for the job loss of all of these people.

I’m sure you love your electronic toll pass, but did you even bother to think about how it would affect this guy?

Technology eliminating jobs is nothing new. Heck, some 80% of jobs that existed in the 1800’s are either completely gone or so diminished that one person can do what used to take hundreds of people. Yet, despite this, there are still many times more people employed today than there were back then.

It was once thought that the desktop computer would be a job killer, but in reality there are more jobs in I.T. related professions alone than there were that were displaced by the PC.

 The type and nature of Jobs will move.

If you want not to be replaced you have to be creative and think and apply brain in your job 

But what if your job does not allow that ? 

Prepare for multiple sources of income So that you don't  go broke if you loose your job

 

How to do that ? Again the solution is you have to use your brain and think and learn