Narcissists are addictive!

 Narcissists are addictive! You want him so badly because you have been trained to want him.

When Narcissists want a woman, they go all out to get her attention. They are not at all shy because they are totally focused on their goal: Getting you to want them. And they usually have had a lot of experience with women and have a pretty good repertoire of techniques that work for them.

They stand out in this way from the average guy who can be shy, awkward, or simply less determined and confident by comparison.

Then later, when your Narcissistic guy “has” you, suddenly you are no longer the most important thing in the world to him. The thrill of the chase is over and he starts to find fault with you, or gets bored. His attention wanders.

As he pulls away, most women respond by thinking that if only they try harder, they will get the really amazing and incredibly attentive guy they fell in love with back. When this does not work, the fights start and the relationship turns ugly. Suddenly everything you do is wrong and he lets you know this continuously.

Cut to the chase: The relationship ended, you stayed strong for a while, but now he is back courting you again.

Wanting him back is like being tempted by the idea of ice cream when you are on a diet:

Logic tells you that you are better off without the ice cream, but your sense memories of the smell, taste, and texture of ice cream on your tongue tempt you to have it anyway.

As with a diet, it is easy to lose sight of your main goal—whether it is dropping 20 pounds so you like the way you look in a bathing suit again—or remembering with your “hoovering” ex that after he gets you back, he will treat you badly again so you need to stay away.

His “in and out” Behavior: Part of his allure is due to his use of what psychologists call “intermittent reinforcement:” you never know when he is going to call you or pull back.

This is equivalent to the rat in a cage in a psychology experiment who is being trained to keep pressing a bar that occasionally drops a food pellet into its cage. If the bar is taken away entirely, the rat can recover and eventually finds out that there are other ways to get food. However, if the food bar is sometimes there delivering pellets and sometimes not there; every time it reappears the rat goes back to pressing it again.

Punchline: Of course you want the ice cream! Of course you want love! That is why you are hoping your Narcissist food bar will go back to delivering love pellets again.

Solution: The basic solution requires you to:

• Step 1: Distraction: Get busy to get your mind on other things. Start some new projects. Date other people. Plan outings with your friends.
• Step 2: Remember the Bad: Make a mental film of him being mean to you and play it in your mind every time you weaken and want him back. Make a list of all the bad things he did to you and all the reasons that he is a bad choice as a mate.
• Step 3: Re-commit to your Goal: As with a diet, or giving up smoking, or foods to which you are allergic, you have to recommit to your goal periodically. We all slip up, we all get tempted. Go back to reminding yourself of what you do want that is good for you. In your heart, you know it is not him.

Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP

In private practice in NYC and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety.

www.elinorgreenberg.com

Fear is a Frankenstein Monster!

 “Fear is a Frankenstein monster!

It begins innocuously as a saviour and at the end, it can turn us into sugarcane bagasse!

Fear is one of the basic life-saving instincts provided. As I have written repeatedly that there is no function in the body which is superfluous. However, when the balance is lost, even protective mechanisms can kill us.

Fear is an essential built-in quality in us which helps us ‘fight, flight, fright, and freeze’. All these are necessary to save ourselves when our life is threatened. The fear stimulus is withdrawn immediately when we experience, ‘tend and befriend’.

There is a special structure in our brain which is the head of the department of ‘fear’. It is called amygdala (because it is like an almond). We have two amygdalae, the right and left. Negatives thoughts of fear are generated in the right amygdala while fear associated with positive excitement is handled by the left amygdala.

Daniel Goleman named the condition of the overreaction of the amygdala to any given emotion as ‘emotional hijack.

Amygdala is a checkpoint of our input!

Thalamus is like a sorter which distributes all our sensory input to all parts of the cortex. Before it does this, it makes these senses go through the security screening of the amygdala. If amygdala has any previous record of a particular input being harmful or threatening; it sounds the bugle and declares an emergency even before the rational prefrontal cortex steps in. The sensory input or inadvertent thought is never logically and rationally attended to by the brain and before any action is taken by the cortex, the amygdala or security guard takes preventive action and that action is fear. The amygdala generates fear so that we do not expose ourselves to the toxic effects of the dangerous signal.

Pavlov’s experiment of classical conditioning

Pavlov performed historical experiments on human conditioning. Take, for example, this simple experiment. He paired two stimuli. 1) An electric shock 2) The sound of a bell. He gave an electric shock to a dog and recorded electrical changes in the dog and he always associated the sound of a bell parallelly along with the electric shock. To his surprise, he found after repeated exposure to this dual stimuli, that exposure to one stimulus like the sound of a bell without an electric shock would bring about the same reaction of electric shock in the dog.

Unfortunately, our fear is always paired with something else. I would like to tell youngsters my story of fear and anxiety and how I got rid of it! (maybe a little late in life)

I learned it a little late, nevertheless, I mastered the way to overcome fear. However, fear at a younger age had left some indelible scars in me. I have dedicated the rest of my life to educating those who have become victims of this avoidable Frankenstein Monster!

It was in the year 1960 when I was preparing to go to High School, my father for some reason thought that I should learn typewriting and shorthand. During summer holidays before school opened, I was sent to a nearby town where this facility was available. I was supposed to stay in a cheap accommodation of an open hall exposed to all guests walking in and out of the room. That isolated and circumscribed stay in a huge hall itself was a psychological shame.

An astrologer was staying in one of the rooms in that hotel. He somehow wanted to attract me towards him (maybe he was a homosexual, I am not sure because he never treated me badly in that sense). He just materialized a popular sweet from a nearby famous restaurant in an instant under a pillow (I still don’t know how he did that magic) and displayed his supernatural power to a youngster. I believed in him completely. He started foretelling my future. I became curious. He said that my father is going to die shortly. This news shocked me. Suddenly the picture of the whole family who were all dependent on my father was projected in front of me. I shuddered. I believed him. My heart started racing and sweating. The next day I ran back to my village and obsessively started observing my father and other members of my family, always thinking about how and when this tragedy would unfold. It became stressful for me. I lived through that stress throughout my younger days and by my 18th year, I was diagnosed as ‘anxiety neurotic’. That incident was the trigger point to contract severe anxiety.

Do you know how I was affected by those astrologer’s words?

Whenever I saw my father, I thought of his death because the astrologer had told me that he would die. Perhaps, the news of the death of my father was coupled with his presence. Whenever I saw him, I was reminded of the prophecy of that astrologer. That was unfortunate in my case. By repeated stimulation of the same thought, the very presence of my father led me to a state of phobia and that was converted into ‘anxiety neurosis’ because of continued long term potentiation.

What is this long term potentiation (LTP)?

Imagine that there is an event where we are supposed to keep clapping as long as the lead-clapper is clapping and we are supposed to stop immediately after he stops. Surprisingly, we cannot immediately stop along with the lead-clapper. We invariably clap one or two times more. This process of adaptation to a task is called long term potentiation (LTP). The mechanism of memory is based on LTP. New receptors of the glutamate neurotransmitter are recruited in this process. Normally there are GABA inhibitory receptors in the amygdala which reduce the intensity of fear through the constant input of rational prefrontal cortex. However, because of genetic makeup or other predispositions, GABA receptors may become weakened, thereby ‘fear’ is augmented in the amygdala. To put it briefly, fear comes as a saviour and is recorded in the amygdala. However, normally its effectiveness is reduced by the GABA neurotransmitter. If we couple it with other thoughts, then the other thoughts present in another part of the brain or in the hippocampus stimulate the fear expression constantly. This habit gets memorized by the process of LTP and the effectiveness of GABA is steadily reduced. It is at this stage that, what has been fear thus far, may become a phobia. People with phobias work hard to avoid their phobias, but they become powerless to avoid them because of the LTP in the amygdala. This is due to the structural plasticity that has occurred in the amygdala.

Social transmission of fear

By observing those who are conditioned to fear, others who are normal also may develop a condition called observational conditioning. We do not have to be directly involved in negative emotion. Even the company of negative minded people may bring about changes in our amygdala leading to chronic fear. Therefore, the saying, “Tell me your friends, and I will tell you what you are!” is a very appropriate statement.

Unfortunately, many youngsters fall prey to some abnormal relationships with other boys (though girls are not excluded from this, it is more prevalent in boys). They suffer from ‘anxiety neurosis’ because of ‘amygdala hijack’. ‘Amygdala hijack’ is the metaplasticity (change in the structure) in the amygdala that facilitates the fear and nullifies the inhibitory effect.

Modern youth are exposed to all kind of literature on the internet and they read it and apply that half-cooked knowledge on their clandestine behaviour. It is a disaster. It becomes a constant fearful inner state in the brain which is always working in the background. This reduces the threshold of the inhibitory mechanism and creates a new LTP memory. They even start dreaming of the ill-effects of their activity and steadily it is converted into a type of phobia. All those who have this inner persistent guilt appear normal outside and they refrain from discussing these issues with their mentors because of guilt.

How do we get rid of this fear?

• It is possible to rewire our brain

Please take this as a mantra. It is possible to change the brain’s connections. There are always two mechanisms in the brain 1) Excitation 2) Inhibition. Whenever there is fear, we should understand that the balance of excitation and inhibition is lost and we have to encourage the opposite of what we are suffering. If we are suffering from fear of loss of health, then we should try to learn all about our body. We should imagine the front of the brain giving instructions to the amygdala to stop its erratic activities. Replace the memory of fear in the hippocampus with the memories of those who have been cured of fear (like me), or replace it with the realisation of the irrationality behind our thoughts. 1) We have to steadily replace our existing negative thoughts in the hippocampus with positive thoughts 2) Rational explanation of the existing situation has to be kickstarted in the prefrontal cortex. By overcoming these two inhibitions, the amygdala can be released from its hijacked situation.

• It is the thought of disease that is more detrimental than the disease

The very thought of the ill-effects and life-shortening nature of a disease plays havoc on our health rather than the actual disease. A person dies of fear before actual death comes. Let it be any future condition, it can come to us only if our mind permits it to come. If our decision is strong, it can change our genetic expression and can cure even cancer (refer to my previous post).

• Fear is just a signal

Fear cannot make space to sleep in us if we do not give it a place to even sit. It is the improper teaching in schools, at home and in society that has made certain conditions secretive and bad. If a person has hypertension and diabetes, they can openly talk about this (sometimes they themselves boast of having these conditions). This has social acceptance. However, if a person is mentally ill (It is the same body), the condition is kept secret even by the parents. If a boy has developed neurosis because of some bad habit, our society does not permit him to openly declare it. The problem will be solved in no time if he/she opens up. The secretive nature of some conditions makes them incurable.

• Meditation

Start meditating in the following unique way.

As usual take a comfortble position. Breath normally. After settling, imagine yourself to be present inside your mother’s womb and start enacting the whole drama of your life till today. Wipe this out completely. Go back to your foetal state. Start as a new person. Begin a new storyline. Forget all that you have experienced until today as a bad dream. Wake up from your previous dream and start with a new dream. In this life, be sure and pure, go to the original settings of your body. You can easily change the connections of the brain. You become happy. You will discover that you are ‘bliss-personified’.

You will enjoy life like never before!

Remember you are born to enjoy!

P.S: This is how I was able overcome my fear and illness. I am sure you can too.

Visit the following space for regular updates on Neuroscience.

Thank you

Dr R N Sreenathan

Director Chinmaya International Foundation

Images credit:

Amygdala hijack - Wikipedia

All other images from Google

It is easy to succeed

My IES Story

IT WILL BE A LONG ANSWER BUT U WILL SURELY ENJOY IT, HAVE PATIENCE TILL LAST.

Normally there are two kinds of problems that prevail

1 CREATED BY YOURSELF

These kind of problem arise due to our own actions I. E

1 Carelessness (U didn't study properly even though U had time and money and wasted your time in B. TECH and later on suffered when passed out from college either in job or in preparation of any exam)

2 Disbelief (I can't do even though U would have done the task but later on repented on your deeds)

3 Blind faith and affection for someone and ruined yourself for the same person but got cheated at end.

2 GIFTED BY ALLMIGHTY

Now consider following cases

1 U are general and financially very weak.

2 Your father doesn't earn much say 30000 per month by running a small coaching.

3 U don't have any elder brother or anyone to support your family except U and your father.

4 Your parents are not that much healthy and need medication.

5 Your father has to pay bank loan which he took during your sisters marriage and that too rs 12000 per month for next 3–4 years.

6 No-one in your family is that educated to guide you and your uncle goes to field to plough the field himself to save the labour cost.

7 When it rains the house U live in gets seeped from every corner and your house even don't have T.V because it will cost some money at these places when other tasks are remaining.

8 Your mother don't have any mobile but luckily your father have a simple Nokia mobile (snake game wala black and white)

9 No mode of transport except your feet or public transport.

10 The sorrounding in which you live is full of illiterate and uncivilized people I. E a small city in eastern U. P,( U can google demographic and educational status of eastern U. P. )

11 Your father has self respect even in this condition and never asks for anything from anyone, he spends what he earns with his own hands and teaches poor students free of cost(not like coachings in DELHI) ,and teaches from morning 6 to night 8 pm so that he can earn whatever possible to live a life of dignity and self respect.

12 Relatives whom your father helped in their bad time never asks your family but make fun of your poverty and big dreams.

Now tell me what more difficult condition can be paved in front of you, my parents never pressurised me for anything, they provided me best quality education which they could and my mother always used to say “MERA LADKA EK DIN CHIEF ENGINEER BAN JAYE AUR HAMARE GHAR BHI EK GADI HO JATI" on seeing some well off officers and other rich people although SHE never knew how hard is to become a CHIEF ENGINEER FOR A FINANCIAL WEAK GENERAL STUDENT.

My father always used to say I can do anything for your studies, U don't bother about family condition U just study.

I saw all these things from very beginning and as it is said GOD gives great thoughts in you only when he wants something great of U, U can't do anything good until unless your brain is able to distinguish between right and wrong.

I was determined to work hard and achieve something great to fulfill my parents dream but there always remained a sense of disbelief in me how can I effort costly coachings for IIT,AIEEE etc and compete in this condition only fighting on myself without any support of coaching etc.

Luckily one of my elders told me about house of a person who lived some 500 m away from my house and he was financially very poor (his father was in irrigation department in group D) and used to ride bicycle which was in so pathetic condition that people used to realise by the noise it used to make from 100 m away also,the person is known as SUJEET KUMAR SHUKLA, let me tell you about his achievements and see his picture first

1 Studied in U. P state board school in my district from childhood till class 12th and was one of the toppers in class 12th U. P BOARD EXAMS 2005 ,secured 86 percent marks where scoring 60 percent was uphill task in those days.

2 Was very poor to effort coaching fees so studied on his own to secure AIR 91 in IIT JEE 2006

3 cleared AIEEE with AIR 55

4 UPTU STATE RANK 3

All this he did living in a small room and studying in lantern without any help.

5 Branch topper IIT DELHI

6 cleared GATE with AIR 1

7 topped in his research thesis in CALTECH USA

8 Now he is professor of theoretical physics in university of Washington.

I met him in 2010 when I was in my +1 and he told me nothing is impossible and U can achieve anything if U wish for the need is only to hardwork. Even today I talk to him, he is very hardworking even now.

This incident shackled me for forever, I decided that I shall do anything to achieve something great in my life and my motive was to work hard and give my 100 percent what so ever condition is.

Cleared AIEEE with self study did my B. tech from NIT HAMIRPUR.

Even though I was financially weak but I never took merit cum means scholarship(my rank was 6 in class and top among outsiders) because my father said that if somehow I can pay your fees why to take that let some more needy candidates take that, I was surprised to see the millioners students whose parents were not in govt job used to make false income certificate and take scholarships for being OBC or SC ST.

Only earning money may give U external happiness but earning respect gives U internal happiness which lasts forever, so after completing my B. tech from NIT HAMIRPUR I decided to appear for ESE because I wanted that my parents should keep their head high in society but again same problem came I. E money. Now from here my real hardships began as I graduated from NITH in 2016 and my sister got married in 2014 ,my father took loan from bank and he had no bank balance with him and had to pay my coaching fees.

ESE 2017

When I went to iesm to take coaching (first time in my life for any exam) I was unable to fill it's form by seeing the fees of RS 73000 and came back and asked my father to return back home and I shall study from home itself by purchasing Iesm material only.

My father opened the bag and said he had brought money no need to worry(he still hasn't tell me from where he brought those) and asked me to study well and do my work instead thinking of these issues. I took following pledge from that day itself

1 My only aim will be study and if I do anything apart from it I shall be cheating my parents wishes and hence will not get a place in hell even.

2 I shall not miss any class and will sit in front to note down each and every point told in class.

3 Shall never have backlogs and will complete task on time even though I had to remain awake whole night.

4 I took permission from KANCHAN SIR to join other batches so in September I used to go from my room at 7:30 morning and return by 10:30 night after attending all the three batches I. E morning 8–12 am,afternoon 1–5 pm.evening 5:30 to 10 pm (I used to eat some apple or fruits kept in my bag in afternoon). When I used to reach room I was unable to stand due to my physical and mental retardation in these 15 hours and somehow eat and sleep, and next day same thing started.

5 Somehow I completed syllabus by November 2017 by running hear and there.

6 From November I started to sit in room and was coming out only for giving tests of iesm prelim, rest 6 days used to pass with me and my books along with a 7 watt LED BULB in a small room in which U can't put table chair and bed together, U have to decide what is your preference I preferred table chair and used to sleep on floor.

7 I studied and gave my best and scored well in prelims 2017( 242) and passed prelims.

8 Since in 2017 we have only 3 months for mains and everything was new to me I and one of my friend used to get mad that what to do to solve such lengthy questions of structures, fluid, hydraulic machine. But somehow I finished previous year papers and iesm booklet and was feeling confident for mains 2017.

But just 3 days before mains on 14 may 2017 I had intense headache due to excessive summer heat and I was unable to even sit properly that was the magnitude of pain, I saw my whole hardwork going away in front of my eyes, I tried my best but was unable to recover and at exam day gave exam by eating some pills but they didn't work and somehow wrote mains, attempted (150 in P1 and 230 in P2) to fetch 121 +166.

Luckily since my prelims score was good I qualified for intreviews, everyone in my family was excited that now there hardships will end but I felt sorry towards them as I knew it was impossible for me to clear the ever increasing cutoff of general category but I can't tell them real situation I thought let them be happy for some time as most of the time my father and mother use to be in distress due to poverty, health issues etc.

If I would have been from some other category I would have been qualified last year itself but we live in some other world where poverty and hunger is considered to be more privileged than caste. My score was 633 and U can see the last year allocation where people getting much lesser marks than me are writing their strategies on HOW TO CLEAR ESE but it took me another 1 painful year to answer this question by scoring 810 marks this year inspite of the hardships which I have undergone is much more than many of these people.

ESE 2018

The day on which results of ESE 2017 were announced was 11 September 2017,everyone in my family was praying for me and was quite happy that I shall become an officer now and our living standard will improve but I was rejected by UPSC, I didn't have the courage to tell my parents and call them about my results,I was not sad about all hard work which I did to reach up-to hear ended without any fruits but was much more worried about what will happen to those innocent people who have thrown their whole trust on me and what will happen afterwards.

I thought to procrastinate the results as far as possible but the society is full of people who always get happy on seeing someone sad, so few well wishers of mine when got confirmed that I am out (by seeing the final result) started to call at my home just to have fun that these small people thought so much of themselves .

My parents called me next morning to ask what happened, I didn't have the courage to reply I said “Result dekh ke batata hun" even though I knew the result previous night, I messaged my sister somehow “Didi nahi hua",my sister said “Nahi babu dekho Ho gaya hoga tum itni mehnat karte Ho tumahra nahi hoga to kiska hoga". I couldn't reply anything on it. My mother started to weep on phone itself, I cutted the phone and saved my name in my mobile “V. N. P AIR UNDER 10 ESE 2018”,went to temple to pray GOD to give me and my parents courage to start my new journey suddenly I don't know how the temple priest said “Koi bat nahi beta is bar ho jayga bas mehnat karo" I was abacked that how he knew for what I am asking ALL MIGHTY as I don't believe much on these things I believe in ALL MIGHTY but kalyugi babas are hard to trust so I worship GOD in my way (even though my mother respect and pays homage to each and every baba who comes to my home) and I never saw that person again in my life inspite of I had visited that LORD SHIVA TEMPLE IN KATWARIYA SARAI a number of times but I never saw him again even I went to give him money after my selection but he was not there nor anyone was able to tell me about that person.Lets come back to the point.

I decided following things after my rejection in September

1 I shall now give my mains exam in some other near place except DELHI so I choose CHANDIGARH as it was the Delhi summer which ate my all efforts previously.

2 I shall never miss any test series of prelims as well as mains.

3 I shall remain away from lime light as far as possible,and gave test series with changed name I. E DHRUV KUMAR and this thing I want to suggest you all, work in silence and let your success speak, U will get nothing if whole INDIA says you topper but UPSC rejects you, My parents never told anyone that I am preparing again and people taunted on us “chale the ies banane".I heard all these things but neglected these comments of foolish people.

4 I used to wake up at 12 am and used to study continuously till 8 pm(yes continuously 8 hours without eating anything) ,at 8 pm I used to leave my chair and took bath had my dinner and then again from 10 pm to 4 am so in this way I used to study 12–14 hours from September to my prelims.

5 As joining coaching again was not a need for me (and if needed even it was impossible to give fees, somehow I was able to negotiate my landlord as well as khana Wala to pay them as and when my father give money but they were good people and never forced me to pay room rent on time, from September 2017 to September 2018 maximum amount in my account was varying from rs 0 to rs 1000 for my pocket expenditure,as my father used to get some fees he used to segregate the money on which task this money will go and then if feasible put in my account) As I rarely used to come out from my room for any purpose except giving test series on Saturday and Sunday so my pocket expenditure was quite less.

6 Ate dal and roti only left eating rice because when you take more carbohydrates U feel lethargic and will feel sleepy as doing anything apart from studying was a sin for me so I controlled my other activities up-to 100 percent.

7 I used to bath daily with cold water even in winters so that I may remain fresh and don't fell sleepy while studying (these things may seem unwordly but when you are in need of something you automatically start doing these things)

8 When I used to sleep only formulae and numericals were revolving at back of my mind.

I am attaching my few prelims test series results here just see the marks and rank of person named DHRUV KUMAR because this was my changed name. U can see the roll number CECPTS18010150

Like this I scored top 10 ranks in 15 test of iesm prelims conducted out of total 25.

I got 290 marks in prelims after checking from coaching keys and at the end scored 285 in prelims from UPSC.I looked like some saint which has nothing to do with this external world except his desired goal

MAINS

I fallowed the same routine of my studying because the biggest gamble of mains was remaining and I didn’t have any margin of error to do so I decided

1 To solve subjects like SOM, STRUCTURE, RCC and paper 2 FLUID, ENVIRO, SOIL up-to that point till I mastered them and commit zero mistake, I was able to do it after solving these subjects 16–18 times and at the end I was able to solve previous year papers of these subjects in just 3 days,at the end answers were remembered by me along with question and year in which it was asked.I filled 5 rims of A 4 sheets and each rim has 500 pages so 2500 pages from span of (JANUARY till JUNE).

2 I gave two test series on two consecutive days I. E Saturday (5–8) evening of ACE ACADEMY and Sunday (10–1) ies master, it's nearly impossible to manage the load of two conventional test series simultaneously but I needed success at any cost and I had no way to escape except to fight ruthlessly, what I eat When I eat I didn't remember anything during this time of my mains.I didn't go to give BARC exam even as I forgot its date that was my involvement for ESE.

3 In mains as I have filled center in Chandigarh so I thought that I shall take out the money required for me and my father to go to Chandigarh, to stay and then come back to Delhi by topping in test series conducted by these coachings and the end I managed to win 8000 rs which removed a lot of burden from my father because in summer (May June) our coaching remains close and mains was on 2 July so we had to leave for Chandigarh on 30 June. So in order to do this I started to write my original name. Here are few of those results

U can see my marks, I was not a topper in all tests but my rank in ace was normally in top 10 and in iesm top 30,I would have easily in top 10 in most of the tests if I would have given single test but my final rank would not have been that great since on giving two test series even though your rank may somewhat go back but your are able to gain more confidence and verstality of questions but it is quite difficult to manage and needs a huge amount of efforts but if you will do this trust me U will never get setbacks in final result ,I know few students who are continuously toppers in a single test series from past 2 years but are unable to convert it into real upsc rank. It is advisable to join two test series in mains as per my opinion.

I was confident this time and have given nearly 32 conventional tests before giving my actual exam on 2 July

Attempted 244 in P1 got 218, did slight mistake in last question of collapse load computation in last step and answer was coming from combined mechanism but I did a slight mistake in that and lost nearly 10 marks, this was the only mistake I did in whole paper of questions which I attempted. This year's paper 1 and 2 both were very different from last year as I remember in paper 1 few questions were ambiguous and your answer may change if U take some other data since in order to avoid this ambiguity I solved these questions by both ways (shaft wala) so that examiner can not cut marks in any way if this wouldn't have been case I would have secured 20 marks more since my valuable time was wasted in solving these questions 2 times by different methods but it UPSC U can't do anything.

For P2 I attempted 275 but here again ambiguity was there, single layer design did by triaxial as well as burmister by assuming F=1 ,here I attempted a slight mistake of not solving one question of single layer or double layer of consolidation by both the methods, I solved by considering single drainage and clearly wrote down the reason for such assumption but I should have also solved that by double drainage I would have easily scored 20 more marks in p2 ,instead of writing justification I should have solved it by taking case 2 and proceeding, so if you feel any ambiguity in any question solve by both methods and they will give marks according to their solution. My score in p2 is 191 .but it could have been easily 211.

Interview

After giving mains and matching with ace key I was confident that now our hardships are over and told my father to buy a TV as well as have their proper health check up but he said try to top in exam from that day after seeing your name in final result our whole hardships will vanish.

I prepared for interview whole heatedly and saw nptel lectures for more conceptual clearity and gave my 100 percent (although interview was immaterial for me even if I have got 100 marks out of 200 my rank would have been in top 10,as I have decided previously I shall not allow upsc to let my mother weep again and scored 694 in written inspite of loosing 30–40 marks due to ambiguity in questions itself and those 40 marks depended on what assumption one made and whether that matched with upsc or not, but those marks were not in my fate.

Two very interesting scenarios happened with me just before my interview

1 My interview was on 19th September, my father loves to sit among educated people and is fond of good and quality education so he was quite happy to visit UPSC, he was scheduled to come on 16th September, his train was scheduled to arrive ANAND VIHAR at 4:30 pm, I called him and he said he is about to reach, I was revising my nptel made notes at that time so I again started to study but after one hour he didn't reach to my room, I called him his mobile was switched off, I again called same situation, I kept on calling for next 1 hour and repeatedly got the same reply, now it was already 2 hours since train deported him at ANVT and it hardly used to take 1 hour to reach at my room from ANVT, half an hour passed more, now I was worried that what has happened and was going to call to ANVT station and about to leave for searching him but as I was coming down HE was coming upstairs, I felt quite relaxed and asked why his mobile was switched off, he was himself surprised and said I haven't switched off my mobile and when I saw that it was really not switched off, in fact BSNL SIM doesn't operates well in some parts of DELHI that was the reason for it.

2 I studied till 18th September evening and after that decided to end the game.I was about to go outside to have shaving and take a photo copy of required documents, following two documents are required during your interview if you are from GENERAL CATEGORY

HIGH SCHOOL PASSING CERTIFICATE INCLUDING YOUR DATE OF BIRTH

YOUR ORIGINAL DEGREE CERTIFICATE (PROVISIONAL CAN WORK BUT YOU HAVE TO PRODUCE ORIGINAL AFTERWARDS)

So in order to facilitate all this I kept these documents in some other bag and told everyone at my house about it, but at the main time due to so much work load my father forgot to bring these documents somehow, when I asked for these my father started to look into his bag but these were not there, now as these are the two necessary documents required for verification at UPSC I had none, it was 9:30 pm and tomorrow my interview was going to happen at 10 am, only solution was that some person bring that manually, My father asked one of his students to do it, he said OK SIR I SHALL COME, now I said one of my friend to have a flight ticket earliest for that boy and luckily there was only one seat remaining in the flight that was to be flown from LUCKNOW TO DELHI next morning at 6:30 am, if I would have been missed even by 5 minutes that ticket would have been booked, he reached Lucknow from my home by booking a cab and then to DELHI, here is the picture of that gentlemen ,the boy standing on right, left is my father, see these people who belong from such small place but how much helping they are, he travelled 800 km when he was tired working in his field whole day just in a hope that one of my brother is going to achieve something great so I should help him at any cost.

FEW DAYS BEFORE RESULT DECLARATION

It was DIWALI and I was at home after so long, as I knew that I shall be among toppers but my parents were afraid that anything can happen, so we didn't celebrate DIWALI with that much enthusiasm because the biggest DIWALI gift was yet to be given by UPSC.

9 NOVEMBER

One of my friend called me and said result aa gaya now my mother was shaking due to fear ,similar was the condition of my father ,He messaged me about my rank, I hold my breath and said nothing for few seconds, my mother thaught that something happened again as last year she started to get faint suddenly I spoke AIR 8,and bowed my head into feat of my parents. It appeared that they got new life and from that day till today and I suppose for forever whole atmosphere has changed, those people who used to taunt us now bow in front of my parents, every where we are respected and everything can't be written hear U just crack these exams and then feel, no amount of money can give me that amount of pleasure and satisfaction to me which I have achieved now, if I would have not taken this path I suppose a great void would have remained in my life, now we are fully satisfied and happy people, our house may remain damaged but if your inner house I. E your soul remains satisfied then it doesn't matter in which house you are living, an internal satisfaction is an eternal bliss and that can be achieved only by your hard work and living with full dedication.

Always remember A HARD EARNED MONEY AND WORSHIP WITH FULL DEVOTION NEVER GOES IN VAIN IT HAS SOME MAJESTIC POWER WHICH ONLY FEW PEOPLE CAN REALIZE.

After declaration of my result so many people use to come at our home see some snaps.

MY PARENTS

Me and my father sat first time in flight and it will now be usual affair for us I suppose.

THE PERSON WEARING RED JACKET IS MLA OF MY REGION AND A CABINET MINISTER IN UP GOVT.

AND THEN ONE WITH GURUDEV

Also see some n ews paper clippings

I can't upload each and every image there are so many of them, just remain motivated and always remember no one can stop U except you yourself, as your prelims is over now if you are getting through in mains it's excellent give your best and if are unable to do so work hard again because if I would have gave up at any stage then today I would have not been writing such answer.......

-Vijaya Nandan Pandey,ESE AIR 8