Narcissists are addictive!

 Narcissists are addictive! You want him so badly because you have been trained to want him.

When Narcissists want a woman, they go all out to get her attention. They are not at all shy because they are totally focused on their goal: Getting you to want them. And they usually have had a lot of experience with women and have a pretty good repertoire of techniques that work for them.

They stand out in this way from the average guy who can be shy, awkward, or simply less determined and confident by comparison.

Then later, when your Narcissistic guy “has” you, suddenly you are no longer the most important thing in the world to him. The thrill of the chase is over and he starts to find fault with you, or gets bored. His attention wanders.

As he pulls away, most women respond by thinking that if only they try harder, they will get the really amazing and incredibly attentive guy they fell in love with back. When this does not work, the fights start and the relationship turns ugly. Suddenly everything you do is wrong and he lets you know this continuously.

Cut to the chase: The relationship ended, you stayed strong for a while, but now he is back courting you again.

Wanting him back is like being tempted by the idea of ice cream when you are on a diet:

Logic tells you that you are better off without the ice cream, but your sense memories of the smell, taste, and texture of ice cream on your tongue tempt you to have it anyway.

As with a diet, it is easy to lose sight of your main goal—whether it is dropping 20 pounds so you like the way you look in a bathing suit again—or remembering with your “hoovering” ex that after he gets you back, he will treat you badly again so you need to stay away.

His “in and out” Behavior: Part of his allure is due to his use of what psychologists call “intermittent reinforcement:” you never know when he is going to call you or pull back.

This is equivalent to the rat in a cage in a psychology experiment who is being trained to keep pressing a bar that occasionally drops a food pellet into its cage. If the bar is taken away entirely, the rat can recover and eventually finds out that there are other ways to get food. However, if the food bar is sometimes there delivering pellets and sometimes not there; every time it reappears the rat goes back to pressing it again.

Punchline: Of course you want the ice cream! Of course you want love! That is why you are hoping your Narcissist food bar will go back to delivering love pellets again.

Solution: The basic solution requires you to:

• Step 1: Distraction: Get busy to get your mind on other things. Start some new projects. Date other people. Plan outings with your friends.
• Step 2: Remember the Bad: Make a mental film of him being mean to you and play it in your mind every time you weaken and want him back. Make a list of all the bad things he did to you and all the reasons that he is a bad choice as a mate.
• Step 3: Re-commit to your Goal: As with a diet, or giving up smoking, or foods to which you are allergic, you have to recommit to your goal periodically. We all slip up, we all get tempted. Go back to reminding yourself of what you do want that is good for you. In your heart, you know it is not him.

Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP

In private practice in NYC and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety.

www.elinorgreenberg.com