Wednesday, 25 March 2020

5 Reasons Narcissists Try to Dictate Your Emotions



5 Reasons Narcissists Try to Dictate Your Emotions
 
  1. One-Mindedness—This is the belief that there can be only one correct point of view or appropriate way to feel—their way. If you feel differently than they do, they tend to interpret this as a criticism of them.
  2. Lack of Emotional Empathy—It is inconvenient for people with NPD that you have emotions. Their response to you expressing your emotions and wanting attention or sympathy range from boredom to fury.
  3. Selfishness—They find it inconvenient that you have any emotions other than the ones that they think you should have.
  4. Desire for Control—Narcissists may experience you expressing your real emotions whenever you want to as a challenge to their control of the relationship.
  5. Oversensitivity to Perceived Slights—Nothing is neutral. Everything you do and say about your feelings is looked at by most Narcissists as either enhancing their self-esteem or attacking it. If you express an emotion that they do not like, they take it as an attack on them.
 
 
Punchline: Being a Narcissist is a full time job. Everything you do in their presence that they cannot control, including having emotions, has the potential to make Narcissists feel invalidated and anxious. And when they get anxious, they ramp up their use of their narcissistic defenses. Dictating what emotions other people should feel makes them feel more in control and less anxious.

 

-Elinor Greenberg, PhD

What is it that you are studying for?




What is it that you are studying for?
 
What do you gain from it all?

 
Why work so hard?
  
I don’t care about the degree, do not care about what job you want to do later, or what grade you want to get now.
 
What is the ultimate goal of you studying? In the end, what will your life look like?

 
What kind of bed will you wake up in? What will the floor underneath your feet feel like?
How will you feel going to work? What car will you drive?
  
How happy will you be in your relationship? Marriage? Or living alone? What are going to be the best aspects of that?
 
What will you do when you get to work? What kind of work will you do? How will the people there treat you?
 
What is the ultimate, final, most amazing version of life that you can envision right now?

 

 
   
   
It is for those reasons that you should study harder. For that, specific and clear vision.
 
But for that you have to answer those questions.
 
Do yourself the favor today and sit down for an hour.
 
 
Get yourself a notebook and a pen and write out everything you can envision at this stage.
The more detailed the better!
 
Spend some time today creating your dream home, your dream car, your dream job and your dream life, and leave nothing unwritten.
 
If you want 6 Ferrari's, 3 Swimming Pools, be the CEO of 8 companies and have 575 million in the bank, then write exactly that down.
 
Do not limit your dreams and go for exactly what you want.
   
 

   
 
Think about why you studied so far.
 
For the degree? For a job that you have never thought about? Or just to get by?
 
Of course you won’t study that hard for that!
 
Who would?
 
But would you study if that meant creating a life that leaves you speechless?
 
Would you do more for a life by your own creation?
 
Would you be more motivated to create a life worth living?
 
-Lukas Schwekendiek

Tuesday, 24 March 2020

Single Most Important Thing you can do to Improve your LIfe

Practice telling yourself the truth about yourself.
 
Take time every day to answer briefly one of these:
 
  • “What am I pretending not to know?”
  • “What am I afraid to admit?”
  • “What am I hiding from myself?”
  • “How could I have most improved the person who I was today?”
  •  
Take each day’s answer as your focus area for tomorrow.

 

 
More than likely, you know what you need to do to improve your life drastically. You are just not doing it. Simple awareness is oftentimes curative.
 
And in the unlikely case that you don’t know, then focusing on the right question is the most important first step.
 
-Dennis Pratt


Borderline Personality Disorder

 
While some of my Borderline clients were physically abused as small children, most were not actively abused by their parents. The three most common childhood experiences they report were some combination of the following:

 
  • Early abandonment trauma
  • Having to help their mother manage her emotions
  • Receiving little or no training or encouragement in how to become an independent adult
 

 
Example 1: Early Abandonment—Sandy the Unwanted Child

 
Sandy knew from early childhood that she was an unwanted child. When she was a toddler, her mother was pregnant with another child and due to give birth soon. She dropped Sandy off at an aunt’s house. The aunt was asked to take care of Sandy for a few weeks after the new baby was due to be born until things were more settled.
 
Sandy at 18 months had no sense of time and cried for her mother every day. Not only did her mother never visit her, but she left her there for two years. She appeared to have forgotten Sandy existed and was content to leave her with the aunt forever.
 
Finally the aunt confronted Sandy’s mother and told her that she needed to raise her own child and it was time to take Sandy home. After she went back to live with her mother, Sandy realized that her mother had little or no interest in her.

By the time she was six years old and in school, she became a “latch key child.” This meant that she wore the key to the apartment on a string around her neck under her clothes. She was expected to walk home from school by herself, let herself in with the key, and wait for her mother to get back from work.
 

Therapy: By the time Sandy came to me for therapy, she was thoroughly messed up emotionally, convinced she was unlovable, and very afraid of being abandoned again. She was also very, very Borderline!

 
Just to mention a few of her coping mechanisms:
  • She banged her head against the wall when she could no longer bear her own thoughts and feelings.
  • She was barely functional. She worked as a waitress in a diner despite (as it turned out) having a very high IQ.
  • She had decided that her only way to get revenge on her mother was to fail at everything she did. She told me that she wanted to be a “living reproach” to her mother. She was willing to ruin her own life so that everyone would know that her mother had failed at the job of raising her.

Talionic Revenge: James F. Masterson in his book, The Narcissistic and Borderline Disorders (1981), introduces the concept of “Talionic Revenge” to describe one of the issues that needs to be resolved in the therapy of Borderline clients. The name “Talionic Revenge” is taken from the Biblical law “Lex Talionis” which requires “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” for justice to be served.
Masterson asserts that at some point towards the end of therapy, the Borderline client reaches a crossroads. One road involves staying Borderline and continuing to seek revenge against their parents to make up for their childhood mistreatment, while the other road to full healing involves relinquishing this wish for revenge and moving forward.


Sandy reached this milestone eventually and gave up acting crazy, went back to school, and then to graduate school where she trained for a profession more in keeping with the actual level of her talents.
 

Resolving Abandonment: During the first two years of her therapy, Sandy did something strange. She chose to leave every therapy session 10 minutes early, before her session was over. I sensed this was a very important and sensitive topic. I waited till Sandy had worked through many of her other issues before I asked her why she did this. Her answer made me glad that I had trusted my instincts. Sandy said;  
 

It was very important to me that you never commented on me leaving early. I might not have been able to talk about that then. I might have even dropped out of therapy. I watched the clock and left early because I knew that I could not stand to hear you tell me: “ Sandy, you must go now.”

  
By the time we had the above conversation, Sandy had developed enough internal support to be able to speak about her abandonment trauma and how it had affected every area of her life.
 


Example 2: Helping Mother Manage Her EmotionsBilly and his Stomach Aches

  
Billy’s parents moved to the suburbs away from their extended families before he was born. His father Dave was very proud that he could provide his wife June with a beautiful new house in the suburbs. Unfortunately they knew no one else who lived there and June was lonely because Dave was gone all day at work or commuting to and from work. June missed her siblings and parents.

Dave thought that having children was the solution to June's unhappiness and in a very short time she found herself pregnant with Billy. She had a lonely, miserable pregnancy where she was sick a lot and homesick for her extended family.
  

June had post-partum depression and the depression lingered for years in one form or another. Billy loved his mother, was a very empathetic child, and he sensed her unhappiness. He tried to cheer her up.

 
Dave was happy to encourage Billy to spend lots of time with June because this made him feel less guilty for leaving her every day.
By the time Billy was supposed to go to school, he felt torn between going out into the wider world, learning new things, and making friends and his sense that his mother could not cope without him. He started to develop stomachaches whenever it was time to leave for school. 
 

The Parentified Child: Billy became a parentified child. This means that instead of his mother fulfilling the parental role and taking care of Billy’s emotional needs and encouraging him to learn the skills necessary to become an independent adult, the opposite happened. Billy remained “Mommy’s little man” and stayed a child to take care of her emotional needs.

 
Therapy: By the time Billy was grown and had entered therapy with me, he was immature, conflicted, and still spoke to his mother by phone every day. On an unconscious level, he believed that something terrible would happen if he actually grew up, left his mother behind, and became an independent person following his own desires.

 
Separation Fears: James F. Masterson in his books on Borderline Disorders notes that many Borderline clients unconsciously believe that if they fully separate from their mother and become adults one or both of them will die or go crazy.
 
  
In Billy’s case these buried beliefs showed up in a dream towards the end of his therapy:
  
I am waving goodbye to my mother. I am leaving to go to college. My mother cannot go with me. I come to a big bridge that I must cross. I suddenly get very afraid. I look back and see my mother standing at the beginning of the bridge. I am about a third of the way across and I stop.
  
I suddenly realize that if I cross over without my mother, something terrible will happen. We will be truly separate and nothing will be the same between us ever again. After a long pause, I decide to risk it and go forward.

 
Punchline: Not every child who develops a Borderline adaptation was overtly abused—and many children who are abused do not become Borderline. Two key features are often present in the childhood of children who do develop Borderline Personality Disorder: Abandonment in early childhood (before age 4) or engulfment by the emotional needs of their mother or other primary caretaker.

 

-Elinor Greenberg, PhD

Monday, 23 March 2020

Scary Observation About Us

A friend of mine and I were in the car. She was the one driving. Suddenly, the gear stopped working; as in, it just wouldn’t move.
So, we just had to stop right there, in the middle of the road, without a way to move the car.
She hysterically tried to call her dad to come and help, while the noises of hooting cars, shouting drivers and swear words echoed around us.
I lept out of the car, and put that small triangular sign behind the car so that people would at least know that we were stuck.
The swearing didn’t stop. People were still shouting as much as ever, I honestly felt like crying at that moment.
Long story short, her dad arrived and the car was sorted out.
A couple of days later, this same friend of mine and I are driving, and right before us, is a car. It’s stuck.
“ Why can’t they just get OUT OF THE WAY?!”
I stared at her. Long and hard.
“ You know, we were in that exact same situation a couple of days back.”
She remained silent.
The one thing that scares me about most people, is the utter lack of empathy. The way some people just forget that other people have problems, just like you do. There’s absolutely no need to make life harder for someone when you could simply just go on with your life.
It scares me how someone can be overwhelmed by haters, then after redemption, turns around, and becomes one.
It scares me how someone could go through pain, turn around, then inflict that exact pain on someone else.
What I’m trying to say is:
It’s scary just how cold-hearted we humans can be.
But never forget the warmth though — there’s a lot of it.

-Lindi Louw

Sunday, 22 March 2020

Competition ?



Imagine that you are writing a competitive examination and it has just one question.
  

  • What is the value of 2+2?
Also imagine that there are a million people appearing for the examination and the total reward money of $1 million is to be distributed among the winner.
  • If you give the right answer, you win.
  • If you give wrong answer, you lose.
 
 Unless you are illiterate or stupid, you are sure to answer this question right and win.
However, success in this examination can’t give you any satisfaction or happiness.
It is so because everyone would pass this test and you will end up getting $1 as reward money only.
  
Is it worth even writing such examination to get just $1?
You can’t achieve any happiness or honour by passing such an examination even though you have got 100% marks in such examination and won the first prize of $1.
  
Because you remain just one among a million in the crowd of winner.
    


 This is the fate of every person who chooses an easy life.



 
Now let us imagine that there is a competitive examination which has over 100 tough questions where one million person appear and there is just one person wins, viz. one who get the highest score.
 
It is not easy to take such a challenge, because the chance of your success is one in a million.
And you got just 49% score in this competition and thus lost 51% marks.
  
Yet you won because no one did better than you.
 
Yet you will get a million dollar and a lifetime of honour and respect by people for winning the competition.
  

  
However, when you strive to be the champion, you are taking a big challenge in life since you have to prove yourself better than 999,999 people.
 


You have to believe in yourself to take up challenges in life and you have to make it a mission of your life to achieve success in it.
You don’t enjoy the process of challenge as you are always working very hard and also scared of losing.
  
It is only you win, your entire pain evaporates and you get many times more joy and happiness in your life.
  
In such mission, even if you lose, your rewards and compensation are thousand times better than the achievements which are easy to get by just knowing the value of 2+2.  
 
   


  I enjoy taking challenges in life because it brings the best out of me.
  
I dislike easy life which causes stagnation and provides no opportunity to grow myself.
 
I am turned off when my life is easy.
I am charged when my life becomes difficult.
 
I always strive to overcome the challenges voluntarily accepted by me for my own growth.
Because I know that even if I don’t win, I am still not a loser.
Because my challenges have always helped me discover the best of myself.

-Dr.Awdhesh Singh,Ex-IRS,M.Tech-IITD 


{ Blogger's Note : Watch this video  
   
 
    }

Saturday, 21 March 2020

Life is Short,But How Short?


“Life is short.”
I didn’t think so when I was 5 years old. Summers lasted for eons.
When I was 18 waiting to get off work to go visit my girlfriend, hours felt like days.
The nine months we joyfully waited for our first child to be born felt like eternity.
Then I realized how fast I reached the 20 year mark in my profession, and I thought, wow, that went pretty fast.
And then 20 years became 33 …
And then our oldest son got married …
our youngest sons moved to California …and got married…
and we became grandparents …
and then something happened that I NEVER dreamed would happen …
And I’ve been at my retirement job for almost 10 years …
And the grandson I watched from a month after his birth…
…started kindergarten last week.
And he thinks summers last forever.
And now I realize what Einstein meant about relativity.

-Rick Bruno

Friday, 20 March 2020

SSC CGL



I graduated in mechanical engineering in August 2014. And was placed in Mahindra ( it was the last company that came for campus placement and before that i was rejected ( in group discussion or interview )by 14 companies which came for campus placement as my communication in English was so excellent!!!!!!!.

  
Worked from August 2014 to September 2016 there in Prithla, Faridabad. I realized very early that private sector is like game of thrones ( you never know when you are going to be executed and who is lord Petyr Baelish!!). But have to support family. After two years i had saved money that was enough for 1 year study. Left job on 10th September and returned to my home in Sonipat and started preparing for engineering services ( pre paper was in January). That was the blunder. By mid of December i realized i was not going to make it as even haven't covered the syllabus. 
 
  And also SSC JE was postponed ( SSC JE exam was going to happen on 8 December and this was my fallback option) After that for one week i was hopeless as i didn't know what to do, where to go as it was not possible to sit idle beyond one year ( you know what most terrifying thing is , it is when absolute responsibility of a decision lies with you and decision goes wrong and that happened to me, as my parents are not educated so ultimately it all came to me, i couldn't tell them). Until then i had not exact idea about SSC CGL pattern.

  
I discussed with my friend Mohit ( he has that amazing ability to judge people for SSC exams may be because he was already selected as Excise inspector and was waiting for joining) and he said “ tu CGL ki tyaari kr le, tera ho jayega”. And with that leap of faith journey started.
 
We started covering math from his Rakesh Yadav class notes. Initially i resisted that without “x” approach because till then i always solved aptitude questions by assuming “x”. His response was like “ this “x” will be the axe on your selection”. Covered his copy by the end of January 2017. Also covered English from Plinth to paramount ( that was also taught by him).
 
By February end i covered English, Math. (reasoning i covered between September to December as i was planning to appear for SSC JE exam).
  
  
On 3rd March i appeared for SSC JE 2016( didn't want to as my center was in Jaipur but situation and Mohit forced me). In 2.5 months upto March i studied like 14–15 hours daily and covered what was to be done in 5 months.
   
Between March and July i completely focused on CGL. Revised Rakesh Yadav class notes as many times as i could. What it did was that it internalised various approaches of solving a problem. Completed Kiran previous years questions. Attempted Mock Tests almost daily from May onwards.
In July SSC JE pre result was declared and i scored 142.5/200 , cleared it by good margin and mains for JE was on 30th July ( JE mains is subjective paper of 300 hundred marks ) and CGL pre was in August. And again it was a dilemma whether to appear for JE or not as for JE mains one has to practice by writing full length questions of 20 marks each. I decided to go for both. Appeared for both exams and both went well especially JE as paper came from areas where i was strong.
  
And i scored 173.5 in CGL pre and cleared JE mains with 207/300 and overall rank was 49 in JE exam. When i completed one year and 3 months and as one year limit had already been breached so i had to withdrew my PF amount to continue for one more year.
   
The period between September 2017 to March 2018 was very uncertain and agonizing. Everyday there was this news that exam will be cancelled and also someone filed case on SSC JE results. But also this extra time was blessing in disguise. After seeing that SSC had changed math pattern i covered more books like play with advance math by abhinay sir, RD Sharma, some part of quantum CAT, S P Bakshi, Mirror to common errors.
   
In January i went to document verification for JE and in March 2018 i was selected in Military Engineering Services(MES) .Till then CGL 2017 main was completed. So some pressure was removed.
 
Appeared for Delhi Development Authority exam in April 2018 ( this form i filled in June 2016!!!) and selected in DDA as Junior engineer and joined it on September 2018.
Finally CGL 2017 result is declared now. And got AIR 4. Now this rank 4 doesn't hold that joy as it must had one year before. Success delayed is success denied!!!
    
In this journey of one and half year i learnt one most important lesson : Nothing is as valuable as ones health is. Never compromise on that. And also i developed wonderful habit of reading novels. I read Initially to improve English later it became the only source of joy during that time.
  
For those preparing for SSC CGL i want to advise you to put as much effort as you can . This exam is a battle of hardwork not of intelligency. I am most apt example of it.
   
    
Best of luck to those who hold hardwork above everything



-Jitender Malik


Thursday, 19 March 2020

Struggle?

Let me tell you a real life story of an inspirational person.
  
• He started his life at 1954
  
• After passing schools, he started studying Philosophy, Economics,Arts and Sanskrit for his graduation level.
  
• He was graduated and stepped into the career of MA,LLB(Law) Dual Degree [He was the student of the last batch to get this opportunity in Calcutta University]
 
• He completed it during his mid 20s
 
• He thought of doing PhD. At that time, the registration fees for PhD was around Rs.4000
 
His friends promised to give him that but they betrayed him. His family condition wasn't that good to afford this much amount for higher study registration.
   
That forced him to leave his dream of doing PhD.
   
• He was in his late 20s when he used to sell fishes in order to support his family.
 
• After doing these jobs, he used to study late at night for further studies in law. But Sanskrit never left him.
 
So, in the meantime during every free hours he used to study Sanskrit from Pandit Ji as well.
 
• He stepped into 30s. Still, their family condition didn't improve much. In the meantime, his dad passed away. He used to stand on different fruit stalls to sell fruits in the evening to earn some extra money. He was the only one to take care of the entire joint family.
 
• Time came and he registered for College Service Commission as well. It was his dream job to educate more students in Sanskrit.
• That day came when the exam schedule was declared. His Judicial exam paper(written) and College Service Commission interview was on the same date and of exactly same time.(10:00a.m)
  
• He chose College Service Commission. He was shifted to the pannel. He got the first job in someone's replacement for 6months.
After 6months, at 37 year's old he got his dream job. He got the offer letter in hand. He accepted the line of Professor in an eminent government college.
  
 
• Another 5 years (37–42) spent by progressing his family. His elder brother, left the house and joined banking. He didn't care for the family.
  
• The person slowly fulfilled every wish of his family members.
• At the age of 42, he got married.
  
• While his family was tending into a progressive position, they chose to eradicate the person from his own property.
• At 43 years old, their little kid saw the first light of this complex universe.
   
• Property chaos forced them to leave the same house which the person built with his every struggle and each penny.
• They moved here and there to get an accommodation. They got betrayed by every relatives.
   
Someone said true,
“If you need help, your relatives will betray you at first.”
  
• Salary got stucked for 17months because of the corrupted principal.
  
• The persons who gave him loans, were knocking at the door every morning, delivering rough languages to him and his wife.
  
• He struggled hard , did extra tutions after class. Hopefully, everything loans were repayed. He was out of burden and in the beginning of savings.
  
• He educated his child, purchased their own flat with all their savings, distributed happiness, shared every possible tears with this nuclear family members. He established himself as a renowned Professor in this societiy.
   
• Now he has been retired and an inspiration to thousands of students.
   
He is none other than my father, Prof.Kamalendu Misra
If you think you haven't done anything significant till your late 20s, then let me tell you sir/madam, it is just the beginning of your career. You have lots of time to establish yourself.
  
My dad used to tell me one thing every morning which I'm gonna tell you,
  
“Don't settle down for something which everyone is doing at your age. Do whatever you like, you'll rise and shine in the sky irrespective of time. Your patience and constant dedication will be the ultimate fuel to achieve your dreams in long run.



-Sagnik Misra

Wednesday, 18 March 2020

Tough But True Things You have to Learn to be Successful


Tuesday, 17 March 2020

2010:


Dropped out of engineering, no goals in life, no future. And the worst part was, I didn't give a damn about my future. Life was just going on me sitting in home, mentally unstable. I was devoid of confidence to restart my engineering, fully depressed. My family supported me a lot in this period. They tried to motivate me to continue engineering, but to no avail. Finally I made the decision to quit it and do BCOM from local college nearby my village. I had already wasted a lot of money given by my brother and didn't want to waste anymore.. So, in July 2010 I took admission in BCOM with minimum fees.




2013..


Completed BCOM with being the college topper. Although, I knew those marks don't mean anything in real life. “Being from a local college, not properly skilled in computer, who would give me a job ?” Were my thoughts.


With these thoughts in mind I started preparing for Bank exams. Initially it was really difficult, especially the Quantitiave aptitude section. But with time my performance increased.



2015:


Got selected in Punjab National Bank as a Clerk. I accepted the success with mixed feelings. Because I always wanted to be an officer. But something was better than nothing. Joined PNB, and left it within 6 months. I couldn't see my future in that job. Again, in home, nothing to do, but with better financial conditions and lot of plans in mind.



2016:

Spent 6 months studying and cracked SBI PO. Joined SBI. Finally life was much better placed than it was at the turn of the decade.




2019:


Left SBI to RBI as assistant as the decade comes to an end. A job that provides mental stability, a place that forces you to change your perception about life and a life that is much more sorted.


I wouldn't say, my life is perfect. But it's better than it was at the beginning of the decade. A job at Central Bank of the Country, your name on the nameplate of a house in Mumbai, enough money to spend, friends to die for and family that is finally somewhat happy and proud. It is much more than what I could have asked from life at the beginning of period. I can say it has been a redemption of a sort rather than an achievement.


At the cusp of a new decade, a new world , a world that is much more clearer.


Thank you



-Nikhil Deshpande

Their are some arguments that signal the end of a relationship as :

1. ARGUMENTS OVER LIFE GOALS A long-term relationship usually involves two people who both respect each other’s goals and desire similar thi...