Children Find Their Parents Frighteningly Inconsistent ?

 As a child I did not have the emotional vocabulary to think thoughts as sophisticated as “my parents are frighteningly inconsistent.”

Instead, what I thought was “there is something wrong with me.”

I tried to behave better and control my surroundings to protect my parents from whatever would take them from loving to harsh.

This resulted in me feeling anxious and powerless and like I couldn’t trust anything - including myself. My priority became making sure things were smooth and easy on the adults around me.

I was so focused on this enormous task it never occurred to me I might be neglecting to notice I too had needs.

What I learned over the years - and am still learning because sometimes I forget - is that it’s impossible for any human to control everything in an effort to make the entire universe more comfortable for the people that she loves.

Over time I had to learn to surrender, to listen to myself, to set boundaries, to soothe myself, and to realize that, alas, other people’s emotions were not my responsibility. Honestly, I can barely keep up with my own.

-Dushka Zapata

I Feel Like I Wasn't Cut Out For Life

Do you think this is easy?

Do you think life comes naturally to people?

Do you truly believe that most people are just happy?

Life is not that simple.

There are no people that are simply “cut out for it” just as there are none that aren’t cut out for life.

Life is a big, gigantic, messy ball of intertwined, knotted and clotted heap of shambles, and everyone has their own path to find, untangle and walk through.

No one said this would be easy.

But what choice do you have?

I mean, sure, you could end it all and take the easy way out. But what if that’s it?

What if there is nothing afterwards? Are you really willing to risk everything because you don’t feel cut out for living?

Everybody who has made anything of themselves did not do so easily.

Somewhere, sometime, in some way they struggled, even if they do not like to admit it.

Rarely anyone finds their purpose right away or a reason to live.

And that’s what counts.

It’s not what you achieve, not what purpose you find nor what reason you were given, but rather about living a life that you deem worth living.

But, truth be told, that is very unlikely to happen if you do not go out and create it.

You can say you are not cut out for it as often as you want, but it’s nothing more than a lazy excuse for not wanting to put in the work to create a great life.

Maybe you have experienced a lot of hardships, maybe you are too proud to get help, or maybe you just do not know where to start, but none of that is an excuse for lack of trying.

Waiting, complaining and wallowing in self-pity is not going to make your life any better.

And you are not special for thinking this way about life.

Countless people run through the same problems all over the world, thinking that life is pointless.

You are not the only one, not the first one, and definitely not the last one to feel this way.

But while you are wallowing in more and more self-pity there are those that accept it, that stand up, and that do something about it, for that is how you move on from this idea that has lodged itself in your mind like a parasite.

If you want to find out whether you are cut out for life or not then give it an honest shot! Stand up and do something about it!

It’s not going to be easy, but you can do it.

Go out and talk to more people if you are missing friends, find communities, groups and be the one that takes the first step!

Research jobs if yours is unfulfilling, talk to companies about what would make them hire someone in the job you want and then find how you can get that type of schooling and those qualifications.

And, if you are truly unfulfilled, then chase each and every joy, no matter how small, until you find something that you deem worth it.

Your life is in full throttle right now, you are not starting, you are in the midst of it, but what happens going forward is up to you.

Let me tell you just one thing though: Sitting around, whining about it, and wishing it were different will not create that life you wish for. You must do something.

You have the choice to change everything right now.

Figure out what needs to change so you would live an amazing life and then start to change those things one by one!

Take responsibility for your life.

Take charge.

And start living not just existing.

-Lukas Schwekendiek

 

Self Love vs Narcissism

 What most people do not understand about personality disorders, including Narcissistic Personality Disorders, are they are characterized by extreme rigidity. Self-love or the lack of self-love has absolutely nothing to do with why NPD is characterized as personality disorder. You can lack self-love or have lots of it and still not have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder—or any type of personality disorder.

What is the basic definition of a personality disorder?

It is a rigid, maladaptive, highly limited and predictable way of viewing and responding to other people. Here are 10 basic defining characteristics of personality disorders:

1. They start in early childhood and continue through adulthood.
2. They are stable across time. The person does the same things their entire life or until they get appropriate therapeutic help.
3. They are enacted with almost everyone in some form.
4. They are highly resistant to change.
5. People do not grow out of a personality disorder with life experience.
6. Having a personality disorder limits spontaneity by locking the person into a set of repetitious responses to life.
7. People with personality disorders have a very limited set of behaviors that are characteristic of that personality disorder.
8. This means that they do not have the freedom to act in other ways that might be more productive or appropriate to the situation. Acting in other ways does not seem like an option.
9. Because of the above issues, the thinking and behavior of people with personality disorders are very, very repetitious and predictable once you get to know them.
10. They never reached the normal developmental stage of acquiring whole object relations. This means that, instead of seeing themselves and other people in a realistic, integrated, and relatively stable way, people with PDs split and can only see people (including themselves) as either all-good or all-bad.

What about Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

People with NPD have all of the above issues plus quite a few others. To touch on the most common:

1. They lack emotional empathy. They cannot automatically care about anyone else’s pain and or share other people’s joy.
2. They need constant external validation to manage their self-esteem.
3. They are status driven and mistakenly believe that the only way to really be happy is to have high status.
4. They are highly competitive and believe that life is made up of winners and losers.
5. They only want to associate with winners.
6. They believe that if you cannot be the best at something, you should not do it—even if you want to do it.
7. Their fall back defense is to devalue other people and their achievements.
8. They often take credit for other people’s work or ideas—and often do not realize that is what they are doing. If it is a good idea, they think it must be their’s.
9. They blame other people for their mistakes and failures.
10. They envy other people’s successes and are relieved and happy usually (but may pretend otherwise) when other people fail. It boosts their self-esteem.
11. Their version of the all-good or all-bad split divides people into two categories: special, perfect, and high status or flawed, low class, worthless garbage.
12. They cannot maintain a stable, fair, mutually enjoyable longterm relationship.
13. They have tantrums or sulk when they do not get their way.

Punchline: Narcissistic personality disorder has more to do with rigidity, an inability to adequately regulate one’s own self-esteem, and a lack of emotional empathy than self-love. Asking when self-love is healthy vs becoming NPD, misses the point. Like the song says: “What’s love got to do with it?” In this case, very little.

Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP

In private practice and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations.

www.elinorgreenberg.com