Being a Drug Addict......

8 A.M — Wake up, rub your eyes and look at the clock. Ugh, it's still pretty early. Lay back down and try to sleep again. You can't sleep because your mind starts racing. How much money do you have? Just cashed your paycheck yesterday but there's not much left. You think you have something like forty bucks left. That won't get much. How could we get more money? Have we asked Dad recently? He might be good for twenty bucks, but we never paid him back last time so we can't ask for more than that. We just asked mom last week. Maybe my co-worker would front me some cash if I told her I couldn't cash my check. Roll back over. Try to sleep.

9 A.M — Frustrated. Can't sleep. Thinking too much and my legs are getting restless. Wake up my boyfriend. Don't have to work today. Man I wish I we had saved more money yesterday. Open the cupboards. I don't know why, they are empty anyways. Grab my phone and send some texts. Lie to dad about needing money for gas. Lie to mom about losing money yesterday and being stuck because a bill is due today. Lie to co-worker about my check getting wet and having to wait for another one. Lies, promises and I feel like shit about it.

10 A.M — Boyfriend and I argue a little because we should have saved something for this morning. We are both feeling a bit sluggish. I'm hungry. I want to go to the store but he says we need every penny. He's right. Mom text back. She mentions last week. Says she can't help today. She's sorry. I'm angry. She could help, she's just being a bitch. I sit down to watch TV but I can't focus, my mind is trying to think of anyway I could get some cash. Do we have anything to sell? Would anyone front?

11 A.M — Really starting to feel like shit. Most of it is probably in my head because I can't stop thinking about it, but I can't sit down because my legs feel like fire ants are crawling through my bones. Call Dad. Did you get my text? Oh you can't today? Well what if I drove out to you? Oh, okay. Now I'm pissed. I thought parents are supposed to help their kids. Boyfriends getting the same run around from everyone he's texted. Could we find anyone else looking and over charge them?

12 P.M — Co-worker feels bad. Said she could lend me like sixty bucks but only if I absolutely pay it back ASAP because she has four kids and a tight budget. Sure I can pay you back as soon as I get the new check. I think I even start to believe it. Fool myself into believing I have every intention of paying it back when the check comes but its not coming. Maybe I have to fool myself so I won't feel bad about taking money from a single mother. Either way … we are in business!

1 P.M — Met with Co-worker and got money. Now to get our drugs. Oh, dealers not answering. Shit. Anyone else good? Make some calls while sitting in a parking lot. I can smell food cooking in a restaurant nearby. We have more money and I am starving, but we have just enough to get a certain amount and if we spend any that will mean less drugs. It's hot. Car doesn't have AC. Nobody is answering. Shit. If we drive home we would have to put gas in to come back to town, that would mean less money, less drugs. We sit in the hot car, waiting, and smelling the food.

2 P.M — Still waiting but someone thinks she might have a connect lined up. She just needs a ride. We pick her up, drive her across town, but the guy only has what she was looking for. We don't want crack. He can't get Anything else. He never could. She used us for a ride. We thought we would be driving away with our shit and now we are still empty handed. What now?

3 P.M — We break down. We are hungry. We go to the dollar store. I pass by things we need, things I want to buy, things we cannot afford. Imagine, being unable to afford something in a dollar store. He gets a pack of ramen noodles and I get a bottle of soda. We sit in the car chomping on uncooked ramen and drinking soda. Phone rings. Dealer will be good but not until about six tonight. Fuck.

4 P.M — Went back home. I'm sick. I have one cigarette left. We have to get more, that means even less drugs. I can't sit still but I'm too lethargic to do anything useful. My stomach is churning and cramping. I pace the floor. Is it six yet? I could take a shower, maybe they would make me feel better? I don't have the strength or motivation to do all that work. I can't nap. Can't get comfortable. I feel drained of energy but when I sit down my arms and legs feel restless and they hurt.

5 P.M — I can't sit here anymore. We head out. Stop for gas. Sit and wait.

6 P.M — Call dealer. He's still waiting for his guy. As soon as he knows something he will call. I watch people going in and out of the store. Carts full of groceries and other household items. I wish I was them. I wish I was anyone but me. I watch young people dressed in name brand clothes. I'm wearing my pajamas still. I'm embarrassed. Why couldn't I be one of them. Shit. Do we have any rigs? We need some. I can't go to the pharmacy dressed like this. Boyfriend goes in, but the lady wouldn't sell them to him because he didn't have a prescription for insulin. What? Since when is that a thing? Drive to another pharmacy. Put my hair up. Put makeup on. Go in and buy needles. Everyone looks at me. They all know. I know they know and I shrink under their condescending glares. Don't judge me, help me!

7 P.M — Dealer calls. Meeting his guy now. We have to meet him in a half hour. God, more waiting! Why couldn't there just be a drug store? We sit in the car longer. We don't have a fancy phone with internet and movies. We literally …. Just …. Sit ….. and …. Wait. I'm sick. Im hungry. I'm miserable

.

8 P.M — Finally met with dealer. After having to put in more gas then we wanted, getting cigarettes and buying food we got less than we wanted. Just enough. Not enough to get high, but just enough to sleep tonight. Tonight will be a good night because tonight I will slam my shit, lay down and fall asleep. Tonight I won't toss and turn. Tonight I won't be up puking. Tonight I won't sit in the corner of my bedroom sobbing because I want to sleep but cannot lay still for more than five seconds. It was a close call, but tonight will be good.

But tomorrow …. Well that's another story.....  

 -Meagan Ireland

( I was really afraid to write this. Going back to those days — even if only in my head — is hard.)